Not Again (Box/karjon 24)
John held his breath as he opened the box because the horrid stench of death overwhelmed him. The most hideous things on earth lay within. The fact they were dead gave him no solace, the creatures still revolted him. He quickly closed the lid.
Concern seized his beloved Marie's face, so he tried to summon a brave smile that refused to form. He hoped against hope she wouldn't ask. But she did.
"Why did you close the lid?"
"You don't wanna know."
"John?" she spake firmly, edging towards the awful container. "Why did you shut the box? What's in there?"
"Marie, please . . . it would be better if you didn't look."
But she pulled the lid back anyway and horror filled her eyes . . .
As much as he despised them, his hatred didn't hold a candle to Marie's. He put his fingers in his ears before she exploded; nonetheless, the shrill sound of her voice still pierced his eardrums.
"Those lowlife sons-of-bitches! Those stupid ass-holes! Are they deaf? How dare they put anchovies on our pizza again!!! . . ."
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-02-01 15:46
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Thanks Bill, glad you got a kick out of it! Karen shifted her challenge a might this time and all the stories have to start with “John held his breath as he opened the box”. As John opened the box he spotted the little suckers and held his breath in an effort not to smell but – oops – too late.
The rest is intentional misdirection including “spake” to keep it from appearing the American Suburban scene it is till the last, heh heh. |
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You got me good with this one! Laughed right out loud at the end. I really didn't see the pizza thing coming.
Couple of nits
John held his breath as he opened the box because the horrid stench of death overwhelmed him. -- Not sure about this first sentence. If he doesn't know what's inside, why's he holding his breath as he opens the box? And if he is holding his breath, then how can he smell the stench? And horrid might be redundant. Everyone knows the stench of death is horrid. How about something like: "John opened the box, then stopped his breath before the stench of death could overwhelm him." ?
on earth - well, now, hmm ... are they of the earth or the sea. And if they're of the sea, are you misleading us fairly, or are we going to feel a little bit hoodwinked at the end of the story. (i've gotten this complaint sometimes, that people felt they've been treated unfairly if they're led to far away from the result. How about just "the most hideous things lay inside"
She spake firmly - did you mean spoke?
Other than that, tons of fun! Thanks |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-01-30 14:24
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| Haha, thanks Karen! |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-01-30 14:14
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I could smell this story in Glasgow. Thanks for the laugh, Arley - didn't expect that ending for one second.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-01-29 05:26
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| Sharon, after mulling in over, you’re right. It should be SONS so I changed it. Thanks for spotting it! |
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