He pulled the grave, icy weapon up to his face.

'Lyla, I swear'�

'�Jimmy, Jimmy stop it'� she screamed, her voice full of fear and shock.

'Lyla I told you, I swear it'll be better.'�

'Jimmy no it's not'�Jimmy no, no, no.'� Lyla burst into tears. Trying to cover her face as though she had something to hide but just weeping louder as she felt the restrain. 'Jimmy, Jimmy.'�

'Now come on Lyla. You know I ain't right here. I have the gardens to tend to, remember Lyla; I've got gardens to tend to in heaven. The ones you said I got, you know'�'�

'Jimmy'� she screamed her voice choking with the pulsing howl. 'Jimmy no, you can have gardens here. You can have flowers and gardens here Jimmy, you don't need to go.'�

'Yes Lyla I gots to. You know it, I gots to.'�

'No, no, no'�

'It's alright Lyla, see you'll be all fine, and you won't have me to deal with, and I won't have my knobs Lyla. I won't have those knobs that yell at me so I'd open them. Lyla I won't have the knobs.'� Jimmy's hands were shaking, tears rolled down his cheeks but there was no evidence of them in his voice. He flailed his arms about as though he had no control over his limbs. His eyes were wide and excited. 'I won't have the knobs Lyla.'� Jimmy pointed to his head like it were some ugly spectacle.

'No Jimmy no, I'll take the knobs away Jimmy, remember I can open the doors Jimmy so they won't be locked, remember Jimmy you said you'd find the keys with me.'� Lyla tried to calm herself but another wave of wet moans hit her and she began screaming. 'Jimmy you can't do this, Jimmy you can't. I'll plant flowers with you, we'll make a garden, we'll find the keys, god Jimmy no. I'll help you, it'll be all better.'�

'Now see Lyla, it's all better when I'm up tending god's flowers. Now Lyla it's better without me down here, with all the locked doors.'�

'Oh god Jimmy you can't go'�. Jimmy'�god Jimmy'�I need you. I need you, I need you.'� Lyla yelled the words as though they were some grand discover. 'I need you Jimmy, you need to stay here so I'll be fine. Jimmy if you leave I won't be fine.'�

'Goss Lyla now don't say that.'�

'Jimmy I have to it's true. Jimmy, Jimmy please stay with me.'� Lyla's voice was getting softer but Jimmy's tears hit his throat. He squinted his eyes and began to sob.

'Aww Lyla you can't say that now.'�

'Jimmy I need you.'� Jimmy's hands fell limp as he dropped the cold gun. He dumbly ran to the pale shaking girl bound by ropes to a kitchen table.

'Lyla, Lyla I'm sorry, I'm sorry.'�

'Jimmy see it's alright. You just have to stay with me. Jimmy you'll be here for me won't you? And I'll help you.'�

'Lyla I'll stay.'� Jimmy held Lyla like a porcelain doll as the tears streamed down his face. He lazily pulled away the ropes he had so delicately tied around Lyla. Lyla pulled her arms around Jimmy, hugging him like he was her son.

'See Jimmy it'll be better.'�

'Lyla I'm sorry.'�

'It's okay, it's okay'� Jimmy sobbed in Lyla's arms until he lost all energy and fell asleep. Carefully Lyla laid him down, resting his head in her lap. She was afraid to move, still playing that moment when he had pulled the gun out and placed it in his mouth. Still shivering like she had when he tied her up to the leg of a big wooden table. Jimmy was a strong boy, not a boy a man she corrected herself. He was 22 years old. The same age as her. He was always the same age as her and would always be the same age. They were both 19 when Lyla greeted him with a handshake and smile. They were both 20 when Lyla fell into Jimmy's arms in a drunken stupor. And they were both 21 when they both went to the psychiatrist because Jimmy didn't want to go alone. Now they were both 22 and a .22 caliber gun lay on the floor, 3 feet from where Lyla sat leaning against a table leg and Jimmy slept devastatingly in her lap. And maybe they would both be 23 together and 24 and 25. Lyla didn't want Jimmy to just stop on age 22 and make her go on by herself. No that wouldn't be too fair. She didn't want Jimmy in that untouchably bed of roses in the clouds. Where she couldn't hear his innocent laugh, feel his tender warm hand on her arm, see his sweet smile as she spoke. She needed all of that with her, and she wanted Jimmy to be able to smile and laugh and touch her casually.

'Jimmy'� she sighed softly as she stared down at the face of fear and guilt. His eyelashes wet, his cheeks puffy, streaks of tears still staining his warm sandy skin. Lyla studied the contours of his face as though she would never see it again and she needed to paint a final picture in her mind so she could see it again when he was gone. 'No'� she whispered, 'You'll get better.'� Lyla smiled and gently stroked Jimmy's soft dark brown hair. She let out a sigh of relief. 'Tomorrow we'll go see Dr. Munson. We'll straighten things out. Maybe,'� Lyla paused, not knowing if what she'd tell herself was a good or a bad thing. Not knowing the right decision. 'I'll commit you. No'�. No you don't like that Jimmy.'� She couldn't, that wouldn't be nice. Lyla remembered when she had taken Jimmy to the tiny strict mental hospital some 3 miles away. Taken him into the beige roomed office of Dr. Munson and told him that Jimmy needed to be someplace where he could be cared for and watched. Jimmy wouldn't speak to Lyla. He felt lost and betrayed and Lyla felt as though taking him to a professional would solve everything. That was all over now though. Jimmy was with Lyla, and Lyla could care for Jimmy. He wasn't a child. They were the same age. They were both 22.

Lyla took a deep breath. Inhaling the cooling air around them. She scanned the room, stopping her gaze on the gun. It seemed so powerless on the floor with no one near to hold it by the trigger. Lyla gulped, she was so afraid of things that could be powerful, things that could kill. Lyla knew where the gun came from too. It came from a plastic box full of random screws and wires and things. She had opened the green lid of the clear box one day looking for a picture frame. She had seen the out-of-place object nestled there between a small case of fishing tackle, a broken watch, and a yellow hair barrette. She had lifted the tempting handgun up, surprised when she felt how cold and heavy it was. She ran her hand down the short barrel and then turned it over, exploring the foreign entity, trying to figure it out. With some frustration she pulled it open and found it empty. Lyla sighed with relief and carefully set the gun back where she had found it, not thinking much else about the find. She wanted to forget it, forget everything about it. From how it felt, to how to use it, she wanted to forget it was even there. And she did just that, only to scream in horror when Jimmy pulled it out from his back pocket like it was something he carried with him everyday.

Lyla pulled in another slow gulp of air. Filling her lungs with the eerie matter around her. She stared out through the dark window across from her. Out into the black night hallway where light had failed. The tall lamp in the corner that her grandmother had given her filled just that little space with yellow glow. Everywhere else seemed distant and lonely. Lyla began going over in her head what she'd do. Her senses were fully restored and she needed to think things through.

'When Matt gets home'�when Matt comes home I'll tell him what happened. I'll'�. god damn it Matt why the hell did you keep a gun? Why, why did you bring that wicked thing here?'� Lyla groaned in frustration and quickly returned her voice to a whisper. 'When Matt comes home I'll tell him what happened. He'll probably try and take Jimmy to the hospital, but I won't let him and in the morning we'll call Dr. Munson and we'll get things taken care of.'� With that settled Lyla felt relieved. Everything would be okay and Jimmy will be fine. And she'd get that ugly thing of the floor and far, far away.

'Matt should be home soon.'� Lyla said as she stared at the dark wood door. When Matt comes home the next step in Lyla's evasive plan could be taken care of. That meant less worries, less stress, less fear. Lyla began to wonder how she had gotten to where she was. Sprawled silently on a linoleum floor with the head of some mentally disturbed man sleeping in her lap. Lyla immediately scolded herself for thinking that way. She loved Jimmy; she wanted him to be healthy, besides no one was normal. No one thought the same. Why even Lyla had been through things like Jimmy had. Lyla used to see mutilated bodies and twisted ashen girls swirl around her when she closed her eyes. She used to yearn for a clear mind. So that she wouldn't see the things that drove her to being insane, just for a while. But Lyla was no longer like that. She had fixed things in her head, and she was set on doing the same for Jimmy.

Jimmy never saw gory and frightening things like Lyla had. He saw what everyone else saw; just how he processed these things was different. Jimmy's take on reality was foolish and morose. Jimmy could act just like a 22 year old, but inside his mind and with Lyla he would be a child. He wanted to be in the garden helping his mom plant and prune pretty colorful flowers. It was the only place he could ever remember feeling happy and safe. He didn't want to deal with challenging things in his mind, things that were painful to understand. These things he kept locked behind dark wooden doors with menacing brass knobs. Jimmy didn't know what was behind the doors, and because of this he was afraid. He needed to make peace with the things locked away. He needed to let them pass so he wouldn't be faced with so many evil knobs. But Lyla had promised to help Jimmy open the doors. She could help Jimmy find the keys. Lyla was the only person Jimmy fully trusted. He trusted Dr. Munson, but he still had his doubts. And Jimmy liked Matt, but Matt didn't understand Jimmy. Matt was confused, he couldn't grasp how Jimmy was such a normal guy just like him, but then he'd get into these talks. He'd say something and just stare off into the distance and his face would gather up into a figure of agony and then Jimmy would walk away and start blurting out childish things about the knob being stuck and not being able to get to the garden. Matt just couldn't figure him out.

Lyla who had been slowly drifting into sleep was brought back to attention by the sound of feet jogging up the flight of stairs that led to their apartment. Lyla quickly cleared her throat and collected her composure as she heard a key scrambling into the big metal lock on their door. The door swung open, the face of a witty, yawning Matt changed quickly to one of shook and surprise.

'Wha...'�

'Shhhh'�Matt just be quite I'll tell you.'� Matt slowly dropped his ratty shoulder bag and a copy of Naked Lunch on a comfortable looking chair.

'There's a gun. What the hell happened?'� Matt whispered rashly and still in alarm.

'Matt just come here, I don't want to be loud. It's alright, it's under control.'� Matt hurried over to Lyla. He crouched down on the floor next to her staring in pity and sadness at Jimmy's dreaming face. 'What'd he do Lyla, what'd he do?'�

'Matt why do you have a gun, why the hell'� Lyla's voice was rising. She quickly stopped herself and swallowed down her anger. Matt looked up at her with the same face of concern and pity. 'Why Matt?'�

'I hunt with my dad. Lyla what happened?'� Lyla glared at him for a moment, but returned to her plan with grace.

'Alright. I got back from classes around 8 o' clock. Jimmy was sitting at the table like something had gone really wrong. When I asked him what happened he told me that there had to be a little change. He was acting stupid so I got kind of fretful. He stood up and came over to me. He grabbed my arms and lowered me to the floor. I just didn't understand what was happening and he pulled out some ropes and he tied me right here to the leg of the table and I began to panic and ask what's wrong, what's wrong. Jimmy started saying stuff about being in my way and that he's better off behind just one door. Then he pulled out that gun and he held it in his mouth and'�'� Lyla stopped, she pulled her trembling hand in front of her eyes as tears welled up.

'Aw Christ Lyla aw Christ aw damn. Jimmy, aw damn. I didn't know, I didn't even have bullets for the damn thing, aw damn Jimmy aw damn.'� Matt fell forward on his knees and wrapped his arm around Lyla. 'God damn Lyla I'm sorry, we'll do something, and we'll take him in. We have to Lyla.'�

'No'� Lyla looked up with fury in her eyes and guilt in her voice. 'That's mean Matt, that's betrayal. We can't do that. Jimmy'll never forgive us if we did. Matt he'd just get worse.'�

'Alright, alright, we'll just take him to see Dr. Munson. He'll know what to do. He wouldn't make Jim stay in a psych ward.'� Matt stood up with a new authority. He walked civilly over to the dull gun, picked it up, unloaded the bullet, and took it into his bedroom where Lyla could hear him go through boxes and bags to hid it. He came back with the golden bullet in his hand. 'Damn guns'� Matt tossed the bullet in the wastebasket. Lyla smiled, releasing a fear of the thing that could so easily kill.

'So uhh'�what's next?'� Matt stood uncomfortably with his hands stuffed in his jean pockets. His messy brown hair fell in front of his eyes as he gazed down at Jimmy. 'Should we wake him?'�

'I'�I don't know. I don't think so.'� Lyla's plan met a bump.

'We'll let him sleep. You wanna stay there?'� Lyla nodded softly.

'Alright'� Matt went to his bedroom and came back with two pillows and a blanket. He laid the blanket affectionately over Jimmy. 'Lean forward'� Matt kindly placed a white pillow behind Lyla's head. Then he sat down next to her, put the other pillow behind his own head and closed his eyes. 'See you in the morning Lyla.'�

'Okay'� Lyla let out a stream of grateful air and closed her weary eyes. 'In the morning'� she whispered, 'In the morning.'�


How a mind sleeps in so much paranoia and grief is a mystery, but Lyla didn't wake until eight the next morning. Her neck ached and she felt dizzy and lightheaded. Matt still lay sleeping beside her. Drool hanging over the side of his mouth and collecting on the floor where he had slide down to during the night. Realizing that Jimmy wasn't with her Lyla panicked. She pulled herself up and surveyed the room. Everything was the same. A small amount of light shone through the friendly window by the door. A blanket lay folded on the comfortable chair where Matt had placed his book bag.
'Jimmy?'� Lyla's heart began to gallop as she stumbled through the warm apartment. 'Jimmy?'� she eagerly pushed open the doors to each room, praying to see Jimmy behind one. 'Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy'� Lyla began to scream getting hysterical.

'He's in the bathroom Lyla.'� A groggy voice echoed through the walls. Lyla whirled around to see Matt, half eyed and yawning, push himself off the cold floor. Lyla heaved a solid breath of air, falling back against the counter as she tried to steady her shaking hands and legs.
'When did he get up?'� she croaked as she stared at the gray bathroom door.

'About an hour ago. I sat up with him for a while and then he said he was going to take a shower. I fell asleep, he's probably been in there 15 minutes, not to long I'm sure he's fine.'� Matt yawned and stretched his lean arms and back. Lyla directed her wide-eyed stare to the tasteless design on the pink linoleum. Clicking her teeth together as though she had to be somewhere soon. Matt was inanimate as the long silence and stillness crept through the room. Then a click and a shuffle from the bathroom jumpstarted the broken set. Matt jumped up lousily shaking his head. Lyla quickly stood up and lingered in front of the bathroom door with her hands crossed in front of her. Not able to take the suspense much longer she began knocking softly on the door.

'Hey Jim? Jimmy?'�

'Yeah?'� Jimmy's fragile voice sounded hectic and ordinary. Lyla let out a wave of hot air. Her heart swayed devotedly as she felt the normalcy of the new day. Determined to make it like any other day she collected her posture and pulled on a hopeful smile.

'Pancakes or waffles?'� Lyla asked cheerfully. The mention of food brought pacing Matt to attention.

'Uh I could go for some pancakes.'� Matt's voice was low and scatterbrained. The gray bathroom door swung open, letting out a fog of moist hot air. Jimmy had a green towel tied tightly around his waist. His flat pale chest and shy white toes stood out as if they were drops of blood on a snowdrift.

'Pancakes sound good.'� Jimmy ruffled his wet brown hair splashing pinpoints of water around him. Lyla smiled and turned to the kitchen feeling motherly and ripe.

'Pancakes it is'� she whispered as she pulled the batter box from an orderly cupboard and other ingredients from the drawers and refrigerator neat and clean. Jimmy disappeared into his tidy room. Leaving the door half way open behind him. Matt trotted over to where Lyla stood focused on making a good breakfast.

'So'�when are we going to take him in?'� Matt's voice was hushed and twitchy.

'We'll'�maybe after we eat'�I don't know. I don't want to rush things on him, he's had a rough night.'� Lyla still intent on the mixing bowl shrugged with anxiety.

'We have to get something done. Something to get him in a between'�. state. Just something.'�

'We'll go see Dr. Munson after we eat.'� Lyla whispered as Jimmy walked in fully dressed and restless to get on with his day.

'Go see Munson?'� Jimmy lifted his shadowy eyes in neglect and confusion. Lyla looked over with shame. As though she were a young mother caught by her tiny son as she meticulously placed presents under the tree on Christmas Eve. Matt casually leaned against the teal refrigerator, ready for some soap opera show.

'Why?'�

'Jimmy'�

'I'm fine Ly'�

'Jimmy'�

'Jim you have to go. Lyla and I will go with you. Munson will be nice. Just a laid-back thing all right? Nothing big nothing bad.'�

'Don't you guys trust me? Yeah sure I screwed up a bit last night, but I'm over it I'm fine.'�

'Jimmy please'�'�

'Matt, Lyla, can't you guys trust me?'�

'Jimmy,'� Lyla was beginning to get frustrated. 'Jimmy you need help. Jimmy you need professional help. It doesn't mean we're going to ditch you, just get some real guidance. All right Jimmy? Please?'�

'Damn it Lyla'�

'Jim you need this. All of us have our times Jim, and we just learn to except it and take the help. Don't be stubborn Jim.'�

'I know what's going to happen. They'll give me bottles of pills and say take 'em with water twice a day. They'll'�'�

'Jimmy please'� Tears were welling up in Lyla's eyes.

'They'll lock me up like Lyla'� Jimmy's face fell to immediate regret as he wished he never said anything. Matt stumbled in shock staring with unbelief at Jimmy. Lyla froze like a deer caught in headlights. She slowly lowered her gaze to her hands, which were trembling fiercely. Tears dripped out of her eyes and splattered fatally on the floor.

'Lyla I'm sorry'� Jimmy lunged forward in an effort to catch Lyla.

'NO'� Lyla screamed jumping back from Jimmy. 'NO, Get away from me, NO, NO'� Lyla's eyes contorted into a painful display of past sights. She fell back against the hard kitchen counter and dropped hatefully to the floor where she cowered in terrific fright and loss in the corner. 'No'� her voice died, her eyes staring off into some endless void of horror, her hands frozen distortedly in front of her like she had just murdered a child.

'Lyla'� Jimmy knelt down on the floor in front of her, taking her hands in his own and squeezing them in an effort to get the blood moving again. 'Lyla?'�

'Damn it Jimmy.'� Matt came back to reality in aggression and distress. He pulled his chin down as though in deep thought as he paced back and forth 'Damn it.'�.

'Lyla I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be hurtful'� I just let my anger get the best of me. Lyla I'm sorry. Lyla? Ly?'� Lyla quivered silently, her eyes still set in the black endless void as though it were performing a mind-boggling trick. Her face molded into some mask of misery. Her lips purple and white, her eyes glazed over with acrimony.

'She's catatonic Jimmy, she won't hear you.'� Matt grunted with sympathy and anger. 'Just let her alone awhile, you've done enough.'�

Jimmy bowed his head in defeat and carefully stood up, slowly letting Lyla's hands fall to her sides.

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