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Stretching (revised 6.17.08)
Stolen smiles
and a familiar sparkle
in your eye awakened me,
reached out to me
across centuries;
stretching--
my soul slumbered
no more and reached back
across centuries
to a familiar hand
in a stolen time--
we knew,
and the world around us
faded to yellows and purples;
the soft hush of skin
touching skin
and familiar sparks
awakened me,
while worlds away
at a familiar site
where centuries become yellows,
then purples, and the
soft shadows of smoky scenes
hide stolen smiles,
your hand touches mine.
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Comment by: crows Online- 2008-06-18 12:18
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| This is a really lovely piece, and is one that ... I guess I really relate to on a level of having a lot of various 'metaphysical' things in my life. I feel connections like that, with some of my friends and lovers, and I feel like you've captured the way that it 'looks' in a really powerful and unique way. I didn't see the 'first draft' of this piece, but this revision looks like it's very tight. I like the subtle repetition of lines and images a great deal. |
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Comment by: troyarn - 2008-06-05 16:19
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| Twisting and turning, I have to say I really enjoyed this. You kind of shot a bit out of my heart and I think I need some time to heal. Great work! |
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Audio: Thank you very much for your critique. It's exactly what I needed.
Same to you, Deadgnome: I'm determined to get this one ready for publication. One note, however-->the millennia refers not only to an extended period of time, but also alludes to a very specific place that is personal to me. Does that change the circumstances of its seeming redundancy?
And finally, to Kerosene: Thank you very much--I've never been complimented on my flow before. I feel so Jay-Z! Anyway--I'm stuck in the conundrum of loving the spoken word almost as much as the written, if not the other way around. Thus, the flow... ;) |
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I enjoyed reading the words as they seemed to almost bounce off each other. The flow is fantastic. Cool imagery with the colors also.
I usually have some form of critique but couldnt find anything to offer with this one.
Thanks for posting,
john |
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I am with Audio on his suggestions, and I will go one further by trying an example rewrite on the first stanza.
stolen smiles
and a familiar sparkle
in your eye awakened me,
reached out to me
across centuries
and millennia
--- Millennia is almost unimportant; you could ditch it and lose hardly anything here, it is just an extension of "century" either take it there or leave it there. In other words, use either "millenia" or "century" the time frame is still large in effect, and either or should suffice at proving the point.
I took it that far, I apologize for not going further.
Clean up the double-spacing and some of the useless words and you'll find yourself sitting pretty. |
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