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Tanka Challenge
I.
Light filters through limbs
aching in the dead winter—
a lone robin sits,
awaiting the dawn’s climax
and the whisperings of Spring.
II.
Sifting sand through toes:
warmth in the darkest places
recalling nights spent
in tangled sheets and our legs
tangled in lust and whispers.
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| WOW! Thank you all for your warm and generous critiques! I have to admit that I took a Japanese literature/aesthetics course last semester with which I fell in love, so I had a little bit of an advantage...I , too, wish that they had been interconnected, but they just came out consecutively in one quick sitting...it was all I had. Thanks again, you've all made my day! |
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Comment by: precar - 2008-01-30 19:25
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| Both excellent, but both evoke rather different images and emotions upon reading. The first is beautiful and even somewhat uplifting. The second is sensual and comfortably intimate. Well done on both. |
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Echoing Cheryl, this is lovely. I especially like the softness of the imagery, as it's describing such a depth of desire - 'a lone robin sits,/awaiting the dawn’s climax' - wow!
Also loved - 'our legs/tangled in lust and whispers'
Beautifully done! ;) |
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Comment by: alien - 2008-01-29 06:19
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Oh, how beautiful. Really beautiful, both.
This is nothing to do with the fact that #1 is a tanka, because it won't be anymore if you take my advice, due to the lost syllables, but I feel that you could do away with all the instances where you've used 'the' in here and it would flow much, much better as a poem. Those 3 'the's really kind of get in my way. Because other than that, the descriptive style you have is as delicate as a fine bone china cup and saucer. It's absolutely gorgeous.
The second one, I reckon you could do away with all the punctuation (I very rarely say that as I am a punctuation junkie) as that would, imo, help with the dreamlike quality of the lines and the images which kind of waft into your mind.
Great work. I love the style of these - can't choose a favourite at the moment. |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-01-29 05:45
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| I liked both of them, Kyla, but the second one was my favorite. |
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