Story challenge #24 - Snake in a box
John held his breath as he opened the box. The sudden hiss caught his attention, and he threw himself sideways. The snake lunged and missed, snapping at thin air. It hissed again with annoyance, retreating slowly back into its box. John slammed it shut, heaving an encyclopaedia onto the lid. Swearing under his breath, he sank into his favourite armchair. Trying to ignore the adrenaline that had flooded his system, he swore again. What was Shawna thinking of? He’d heard of bitter divorces, but this was insane.
The mist of memory clouded his vision, and he saw Shawna before him. She wore the same torn dress held together with duct tape that she’d worn on the day they met. Both invited to an elegant dinner party, both outcasts. She was a punk artist; he was an eccentric science professor. Laughter, passion and a mutual need to buck the system fuelled their early life together. Then reality interfered, driving them apart. She walked out six months ago. Now she was trying to kill him.
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teriffic character study..
She wore the same torn dress held together with duct tape that she’d worn on the day they met.
//love that.. brought back some memories from high school.
thanks
T |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-01-31 07:58
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This is great - yes, it could definitely be a longer piece, but it works at this length, too.
I don't think you need the comma after 'attention' or 'vision'.
Jim - yep, that's the British spelling of 'fuelled' (you know we like to make words as long as possible - hehe).
Enjoyed this one - thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: Nora - 2008-01-29 14:26
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| Oh, this is the beginning of something fun to read, for sure. |
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Comment by: - 2008-01-29 08:42
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Icy, sounds like the start of some larger piece to me as well. Great first volley in the divorce war, I'd say. Shawna sounds, erm, charming (rustic, maybe).
Perhaps a UK / American spelling difference, but suggest "fueled" instead of "fuelled" |
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Comment by: Ria - 2008-01-29 08:10
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| Oh, great story. Too bad it has to be short, it's a great premise for a longer story. |
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