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Chocolates - Wee challenge #24
John held his breath as he opened the box. He eased open the lid, peeled back the delicate parchment paper inside.
The smells hit him instantaneously. Delightful, sweet aromas tickled his senses, caused his mouth to water. He gradually licked his lips.
John released a glee filled titter and he pulled the box closer on his lap, leaned in slightly and continued to gaze inside. His eyes marvelled over the contents. It consisted of an assortment of twelve indulgent chocolates. Each one carefully hand crafted, individually placed into its own paper cup.
His index finger danced over the first row, lightly tapping the tips of every one before settling on the middle, foil wrapped confection. He paused for a moment, darted his eyes to his left then to the right before returning to the shiny wrapper in front of him. Beaming, John quickly began unravelling the gold foil. He ran the exposed chocolate under his nose, deeply inhaling and drawing in the pleasant scents.
Finally, when he could wait no longer, he placed it into his mouth.
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Comment by: chocca2 - 2008-03-26 16:20
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| Thank you so much guys. Your comments are greatly appreciated! |
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Comment by: chant1 - 2008-03-25 06:55
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I have a taste for chocolate as a matter of fact I have a chocolate headache. The kind that I get when I've ate too much chocolate!
You did a wonderful job painting the scene in my head step by step you described everything. I had no blank spots filled with ?????'s Great Job |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-01-31 08:10
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A lovely, sensuous description of a secret pleasure, Natalie. I especially liked him looking from side to side - worrying he'd get caught, or worrying someone might want to share? Haha - whichever, it was a nice touch.
Some suggestions to take or leave as you please:
He slowly lifted the lid - a bit dull (as well as that split infinitive) maybe he could 'ease open the lid' something a bit more in keeping with the derobing theme.
He slowly licked his lips. - another 'slowly' - maybe you could find a better way of describing that lip licking.
'His eyes marvelled over its content.' - 'the contents' would seem more natural.
'Within it contained' - yeah, as already mentioned, that's a wee bit clumsy. Just 'it contained' would do.
'everyone' - should be 'every one'.
'John quickly began' - another of those adverbs and split infinitives. If he 'tore' at them or 'stripped' them we'd see it without being told.
Okay - hope that's of some use - but just use what you agree with and ignore the rest - it's your story.
Thanks for the read - now I have to eat some chocolate (thanks for the excuse).
Cheers
Karen |
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mmmmmm chocolates!
His index finger danced over the first row, lightly tapping the tips of everyone. Perhaps you could leave out the everyone and have something like
He paused for a moment, darted his eyes to his left then
He paused for a moment. His pupils (remember that eyes do not move of their own free will) darted first to the left then to the right
lid, peeled
lid and (or then) peeled
A story that tastes as good as it reads.
mynamelez
His index finger danced over the first row, lightly tapping every tip. |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-01-29 19:54
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Well, Natalie, I’m not much of an eater of sweets but must admit you made me hungry for a Snicker’s Bar, heh heh. Great piece of work here!
Within it contained (Doesn’t make sense. Need to swap CONTAINED for LAY or some similar verb.)
His index finger danced over the first row, lightly tapping the tips of everyone (EVERY ONE)
He paused for a moment, darted his eyes to his left then to the right before returning to (the) shiny wrapper in front of him. (Left off THE) |
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