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Bubbles
Louise lay back in the deep bubbles and luxuriated. Lavender, ylang-ylang caught the steam and intensified with the heat. A bath to dream in. She closed her eyes and imagined, not her own standard, white suite, but the one from the Imperial Leather advert on the telly; sculptures of shells, exotic flora, an infinity view beyond a panoramic window.
Movement in the bedroom distracted her from her fantasy; Bodger, her terrier-collie cross.
“Bodger.”
As if, Louise smiled to herself. It was not the first time she had attempted to coax Bodger into the bathroom. On really brave days, he might stick his head around the door jamb, but that was it. She never managed to persuade him across the threshold since the day her husband had dragged him kicking and whimpering to the shower; a necessary consequence of his rolling in something particularly foul on the daily trek across the fields.
Still, it was impossible not to try when she thought of that big shaggy face, adoring eyes. “Bodger.”
She could hear him snuffling the covers on the bed, muzzling the washing she had piled on the floor, his pads on the parquet, for some reason always sounding different in the high-ceilinged bedroom; heavier, slower. Then, the creak of the bed under his weight. His unnatural panting in the perfumed steam that issued from the en suite door. More creaking as the bed realigned itself, released from the pressure and pad, pad, pad.
Louise lifted her gaze to the mirror opposite the doorway and searched the dimly lit reflection for the familiar shape. A movement near the top made her shift her line of vision, her mouth opened, scream-shaped. The glitter that she caught there was no adoring canine gaze.
She heard, with reluctant clarity, the clatter of the dog-flap on the floor below.
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| This short has a rather nice flow and an effective arsenal (somehow, that doesn't feel like proper spelling) of imagery. It also did a good job at luring me into a false sense of security before throwing out a twist at the end. The penultimate sentence seems a little awkward though. |
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| well conveyed imagery. I could see Bodger as I read this...m |
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Louise lay back in (the) deep bubbles and luxuriated.
//amen.. i just read 5 stories built completely on telling v showing. really nice to come across this one.
the isnt really needed. no biggie.
Lavender, ylang-ylang caught the steam and intensified with the heat.
//yay... a sentence constructed from subjects and verbs.
nice.
A bath to dream in. She closed her eyes and imagined, not her own standard, white suite, but the one from the Imperial Leather advert on the telly; sculptures of shells, exotic flora, an infinity view beyond a panoramic window.
Movement in the bedroom distracted her from her fantasy; Bodger, her terrier-collie cross.
“Bodger.”
As if, Louise smiled to herself. It was not the first time she had attempted to coax Bodger into the bathroom. On really brave days, he might stick his head around the door jamb, but that was it. She never managed to persuade him across the threshold since the day her husband had dragged him kicking and whimpering to the shower; a necessary consequence of his rolling in something particularly foul on the daily trek across the fields.
Still, it was impossible not to try when she thought of that big shaggy face, adoring eyes. “Bodger.”
She could hear him snuffling the covers on the bed,
//she heard him..
muzzling the washing she had piled on the floor,
//..the washing piled on the floor..
his pads on the parquet, for some reason always sounding
//sounded..
(Then), the creak of the bed under his weight.
//im not into time stamps.. stuff just happens sequentially in the universe. no need for em.
her mouth opened, scream-shaped.
//nice..
The glitter (that she) caught there was no adoring canine gaze.
//not really needed..
She heard, with reluctant clarity, the clatter of the dog-flap on the floor below.
//terrific..
active sentences that create that un putdownable feeling.
fun to read..
which- what else is there?
thanks,
( /)
( . . )
c(")(")
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-02-16 13:02
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Hi Bernadette
I'm guessing I'm reading this after some edits, 'cause it seems pretty polished to me.
I had initially under-lined the word 'unnatural' as I couldn't think why her dog panting was unnatural. But of course, it wasn't her dog and that was a clever wee bit of foreshadowing on your part.
Whe I started reading I thought 'this is a bit slow - nothing much happening' - then you left me wide-eyed with surprise. Very, very creepy ending.
Well done.
Cheers
Karen |
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Thanks so much everyone for your help and encouragement. Things are moving ahead with our house purchase in France so my visits while be more........
.....................................sporadic......................and I may even........disappear c-o-m-p-l-e-t-e-l-y for a while as we begin to make it habitable......................and connect it to cyberspace. |
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