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maya's seeds
Maya is planting. She plants tiny green seeds just a little way under the soil, and pats it down. She wipes her hands on her dress as she fetches the watering can. it is heavy when it is full. she sprinkles the water slowly, slowly, laughing as she imagines the tiny seeds being tickled by this slow watery fountain. the soil shines and grows warm in the sun.
the seed packet shows pictures of vibrant magenta flowers, petals splayed out. Maya is excited to think of little green buds opening in such colour, like an unexpected dance. the flowers' total openness makes her content.
now there are tiny green shoots, delicate, easy for plump excited feet to tread on. Maya bends so far that her nose rests on the soil and with only one brown eye open, tries to watch them grow.
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You could easily extend it but it leaves the reader wanting more. This is a good thing. It gives the reader the ability to imagine in expectation of the flowers growing little by little in the garden and then blooming just as the character in the story is doing. It is about knowlege and innocence at the same time. It provokes thought. If this was your intent then I say, "Mission accomplished!"
I'm sure that there are nits in it somewhere like all writing but I shall leave those for others to pick. |
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Comment by: Juan2 - 2006-10-09 20:33
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This is a very vibrant story, alive with colors and images. I agree that "slow watery fountain" should be changed, maybe use "trickling" fountain as it with play well with "tickling" in the same line.
Also "total openness" falls flat for me. With so many other beautiful images, this phrase lacks personality, so to speak.
The lack of capitalization bothered me at first, then I realized that Maya was the only word capitalized throughout and suddenly that technique felt very appropriate, put her at the center of her little world.
Happy Writings. |
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| I absolutely love the very last line! |
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Comment by: Littlun - 2006-03-26 16:21
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This is a really nice playful piece, i liked it a lot. If i may i'd like to make some suggestions.
"this slow watery fountain" .. maybe you could think of a different image to use here, because you've repeated the words slow and water alot in the piece. Maybe you were going for repitition, which can be a great effect, but i don't think it works here. maybe you could just stick with "this fountain", or as Maya is a child maybe you could think what a child might think, fountain might be quite a sophisticated word depending on how old she is. maybe something like "this little sprinkler".
i loved "the tiny seeds being tickled", it's so what a child would think. Great langauge, great sounds.
"vibrant magenta flowers", again, would a child really think 'vibrant magenta'? maybe she would just think 'bright purple'. sometimes simple is best :)
"like an unexpected dance." lovely way to describe this!
"the flowers' total openness" .. i'd avoid words like openness (i'd pretty much avoid any word that ends in 'ness') its just too wordy and detracts away from the story. Consider just saying 'when the flower is open'/'when the flower has opened fully'. i don't think you need 'total', it doesn't really add anything to the image.
"Maya bends so far that her nose rests on the soil and with only one brown eye open, tries to watch them grow." My favourite sentence of all, i can positively see this in my mind it's so very real!
great job. you have a lot of talent for being so young which is very exciting. I hope you didnt take offence at any of my suggestions. can't wait to read more of your stuff. |
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| Nice imagery |
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