Hotel rooms are a terrible place. TV, mirror, lights, bed with a floral comforter, toilet, single-ply toilet paper, and, if you’re “lucky,” a view that isn’t of the parking lot. Hotel rooms in Salt Lake City are even worse. Each time I’ve gone back (about 3 times in 7 years) it’s gotten bigger and more “metropolitan.”

The people are nice, traffic is virtually non-existent, and they have a huge fucking lake. The problem is that there’s nothing to do between the hours of 9pm and whenever McDonald’s starts serving breakfast.

I was in the Land o’ Mormons coaching my soccer team, which meant that I had something to do for about three hours each day. By day two, I’d already gone to the gym and had resorted to playing Tetris on my cellphone to help pass the time. Bored with that, I started flipping through the channels hoping to find anything other than commercials for the pool downstairs or news reports. Eventually I did and my life changed.

As awesome as Pumping Iron is, I usually don’t find shirt-less guys in enclosed areas very entertaining, but I stopped on “Spike TV” because I saw a guy get kneed in the face. The opening music sounded like Drowning Pool in their prime (if they had one, prior to their singer choking on his own vomit, true story). This looks interesting.

The announcer, in his best James Hetfield-esque voice, “The TUF marathon only on Spike-aah!”

What the hell is TUF? Why are there 12 guys hanging out in a house? They don’t have a TV or phones?! Who signs up for this?

As the episode played itself out, the setup was clarified. The 12 or so guys competed and were picked for the house, where they had no contact with the outside world. The only outlet they had was training at the gym. There were two teams and each had a professional fighter as their coach. One side got Ken Shamrock, a former wrestler that gave the impression he was more concerned with his looks than his ability (he can/could fight). The other side was coached by Tito Ortiz. I have a big head, but comparing my head to Tito’s is like comparing the moon to the sun, Tito’s dominates. Also, he’s boning Jenna Jameson, though I’m not sure if that’s something to brag about.

Each coach had taken turns picking his teams based on watching them train. One guy, Michael Bisping, stood out, not only for his northwestern English accent, but because he fancied himself a badass and looked twice the size of everyone else.

I haven’t been hit since I was in about 5th grade, so I have a lot of respect for guys that fight for a living, they’re seriously impressive. At this point, laying on the floral comforter and staring intently at the screen, I had no idea what ultimate fighting was. Come on let’s see some fights! Who cares about their “stories,” I wanna see some violence. A boxer, what the hell is he doing there? Why’d they pick him to fight that big English fucker?

Bisping’s trained in various martial arts and is well-rounded in all things violent. Bisping faced another Englishman, a boxer named Ross Pointon, in the first mixed martial arts fight I ever saw. Someone else had dropped out for some reason and Pointon jumped at the opportunity. The head honcho of the UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship) asked the boxer if he’d like to come back for another fight, having previously been eliminated:

“Ah yeah, ah mate, ah mate, tha-uh be brill, mate.”
*confused stares from everyone in the room that’s not English.*

How many of you have seen the South Park episode where Stan had to coach a peewee hockey team (ala Mighty Ducks)? In that episode they play the Detroit Red Wings and get beat about 73-0.

This was that episode, in real life: bell rings, both fighters are in boxing stances, Pointon’s looking at Bisping’s hands when one of his feet hits the boxer on the left side of his head. You could actually see the moment; right after that kick landed, where he thought to himself, I’m fucked. And he was right, tapping out 2 minutes into the first round.

What’s an armbar? What’s “tapping out?” Did that really just happen? This is fucking awesome!

I didn’t leave that floral comforter for another 5 hours, I even watched the early episodes when they came on after the finale. I was starving, but I’d be damned if I was going to waste my time getting a soggy chicken sandwich at Wendy’s (the closest restaurant to the hotel). One of the parents from the team asked if I wanted to join them for dinner, no thanks. I was hooked.

Why’d my parents make me play basketball, baseball, and soccer growing up? I should’ve been doing this. Dammit, I wanna hit something!

As soon as I had internet access, I was googling all things related to ultimate fighting and subsequently, mixed martial arts; introducing myself to the Gracies and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (BJJ). Did he just get that sumo wrestler tapout?

Via youtube, I was able to give myself a quick history lesson on the evolution of MMA, from the beginnings when BJJ dominated to now; where arguably the best pound-for-pound fighter (gasp!, a Canadian!), Georges St. Pierre, being able to outbox Olympic caliber boxers and out-wrestle Olympic caliber wrestlers. The sport’s relatively easy to pick up (as a viewer) and more often than not, very exciting.*

There’s a reason for this post’s title. I’m willing to bet (not too much, since I’m poor) that within 10 years MMA will be one of the top 4 sports in the US. Start watching now. It’ll grow surprisingly quickly, like Nascar, minus the cars, mullets, and Confederate flags.

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