Advice to be Forgotten (Cheryl's Poetry Challenge #9)
One might do well not to have a heart.
They’re fragile and prone to break like glass.
Loves die, not well and before their time.
One might do well not to waste one’s time
on the foolish affairs of the heart.
They evaporate, steam sighed on glass.
One might feel the need to fill a glass
with something strong, and to spend one's time
drinking to quiet one’s shattered heart.
For a gentle heart in glass, just a matter of time.
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Thank you, Cheryl.
In this case I thought I might convey the narrator may be talking about himself. Probably didn't work, judging by the way nobody has said anything about it. :)
I'm trying it with "you". |
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Comment by: alien - 2008-02-13 07:34
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Hello Bill. :)
I really like this one. Never mind the meter - if you're having trouble understanding it, we can help you with that, so don't worry about it yet.
What's important here is that you've got some really good stuff goiing on as far as imagery is concerned. There's somer eal gems in there :)
One change I would make is that I'd change the 'one' pov to YOU, make it more a statement to the reader. If you did that, it would read a little like, maybe a grandad talking to his grandson. And that would add an extra dimension to it.
As it is, saying 'one might do well...' makes it a little formal and standoffish and I didn't connect with it as much as I perhaps could have done.
On the other hand, maybe that was the effect you wanted, in which case, I'll shut up :)
Very good :) |
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This piece is witty and playful and fragile, like it's subject matter.
I felt like the piece crumbled in the last stanza. Maybe because I don't engage in consuming alchoholic beverages, least of all to quell an ailing heart. Still it felt as if you were strechting as a writer.
All in all a good poem.
D.dread |
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| That's some good help, bro. Thanks. |
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| That's some good help, bro. Thanks. |
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