Hooked: Tritina poem - challenge no.9
You snagged yourself today upon some thorns –
Quite hooked, a fish upon a line.
I would have left you – turned to walk away –
But for a need to wipe your words away;
To hear your voice, without its usual thorns,
Say that your love was more than just a line;
That I was not some girl who stood in line,
A silly teenager, quite blown away,
And that my skin would heal around these thorns…
These thorns – you see the line? Smooth it away.
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Alien/Cheryl: Thank you for being so kind!
Grae: I've erased the offending extra line space (well spotted - thank you), but am leaving the offending references to healing and thorns - let her get infected: serve her right! Sorry, M. Le Pedant, but you're being a little too literal (don't you love that alliteration?)for me. |
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Comment by: alien - 2008-02-13 07:58
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Really good work. You're a very talented poet, Rosie and I can always count on you to get the form just so.
I can't really add anything useful to what Ada said, as I would have said everything she said if she hadn't already said it :) |
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Ha, I've just read the comment that I have no memory of writing. It was late / early and so there is my excuse. Now I understand your E-mail, Rosie (apologies for dimness of my brain-bulb).
PS - I quite like stanzas 1 & 2, but stanza 3 is not so good (imo) the idea of a wound healing around the thorns (which is liable to cause infection) causes me to feel that she has not quite thought it through (I blame her, not you, Rosie - our characters sometimes have minds of their own)
The last line doesn't quite hit me as right either. The thorns can't be smoothed away (well, only by the use of good white magic).
There is also a bigger gap between stanzas 1 & 2 than there is between stanzas 2 & 3 - this is technical, and in no way merits mentioning - oops.
Grae:) |
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Rats! its 00:41 and I've just wiped the whole of the three paragraphs that I had just written. Here's to say, that, in a nutshell, without further ado, cutting to the chase, that the Tritina is not a format that lends itself easily to fluent and natural writing. It is a good exercise though, but it would take time to get the hang of its restrictions. My proclivity (had to use the word as I used it before - then checked to make sure that it was the right word - it was) is for eccentric bending of the rules to make the form less stuffy and stilted. Cheryl doesn't always appreciate my doing so.
There, that's the crux of what I wrote so fluently the first time.
Hi, Ada, I won't stand a chance of winning anything now you're back. Hope you are well and life is treating you properly
Grae:)
PS: as for your poem, Rosie, it could be better, but it could have been a whole lot worse - Grae:) |
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So you thought you could just waltz right back in, did you?
Thanks for the comment, Ada. Glad to see you're writing again.
I think this is a crap poem, but I'll happily defend my scanning of line 2 - I like the abrupt, choppiness of it, that action of the line once a fish has taken the bait (and me a vegetarian, too). |
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