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Ria
Ria Kennedy
United States, CA

Words: 246
Access: Public
Comments: 9

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Hitching On Stuart Highway

Her rescuer drove a white Commodore station wagon with a pink plastic heart frame filled with kids’ faces stuck on the dash.

The man turned toward her and smiled sadly.

For a moment, the light from the driver’s side seemed to shine right through him and his form became indistinct. The heat of the Australian Outback was causing hallucinations.

“My wife died," he said and he told her about emptiness and how the soul is a breeding ground for dark thoughts that drive a man to touch the stars.

She felt strangely dizzy and disoriented and had to work to concentrate on his words as he spoke. It was as if his speech crept into her mind and numbed pieces of her consciousness.

"She was too weak to contain the winds that power the universe and shape destiny, and she simply eroded away. Perhaps you are the one who can contain the breath of the gods."

The world seemed to spin away as his words erupted in her brain. She was overcome with weakness and slumped back as he spoke, unable to support herself.

Distantly she was aware he had parked. Her car door opened and he stood looking down at her, the sun shining through him as if he were a man made of sky.

She watched dumbly as he reached down and touched her between the eyes with a blue-gray finger the color of heaven. Then she knew no more.

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Comments  
Ria Comment by: Ria - 2008-04-20 10:20
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Thank you Troyarn.
troyarn Comment by: troyarn - 2008-04-19 15:52
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Good stuff here! This leaves me wanting more and I do hope you expand upon it and let us in on more of the story.

˝My wife died,˝ he said and he told her terrible things.
This kind of threw me off. Rather than tell the reader that he said something, it would be better to let the reader know WHAT he said. It would give the character more body and become more real.

Other than that I have to admit I was drawn in and your choice of words were very good. I will be thinking about this one for some time and really hope you play with it and give us more.
Thanks very much for sharing this with us.
Up the Staircase Comment by: Up the Staircase - 2008-04-05 15:50
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"a man made of sky" is a great concept. I really enjoyed reading your story. It made me feel slightly overwhelmed...but in a good way. The characters were exact and I felt intimate with them. Great job.
Ria Comment by: Ria - 2008-02-10 21:26
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Hi Margy, I'm working on another project at this time, so am still considering where to go with this story. I'm not sure changing the sentence structure would give me the results I want, but I'll have to consider it in future writing.
bostonmargy Comment by: bostonmargy - 2008-02-10 16:57
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Hi, Ria. There are some interesting possibilities here. I might try shortening the sentences, to make them more powerful. There's something creepy and weird, here and more abrupt sentences might make that stand out a bit more? Just curious - where are you planning to go with this story?

Margy
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