(From the Lifestyles section of today's "St. Louis Post-Dispatch")

TODAY’S HOROSCOPE
By World-Famous Astrologer Dr. Omar Von Mystik

VIRGO: Virgo is the Sign of the Virgin, and lately that sign is so-o-o-o-o-o appropriate. You will meet a very attractive person of the opposite sex, who will ask you on an adventurous, exciting date, and with whom you will quickly fall madly in love. Though on that exciting date, your new love will drink way, way too much, throw up his dinner out the window of the car, and then try to kiss you like fifteen minutes later with that same vomity mouth.

The smell of vomit-breath and the puke stain on the front of your date’s sweater will be a complete turn-off and you will run from the car like it’s a fire drill. Take it from me, World-Famous Astrologer Dr. Omar Von Mystik, that loser's going nowhere. Forget the date and stay home with a good NetFlix movie and some cheap-ass jug wine. You’re going to be a Virgo a long time, the way things are going.

ARIES: Aries, the Sign of the Hunter. So you think you’re tough? Out there in the woods, wearing all that camo, shooting at some little half-grown deer with your Remington 30-30? Please. You want to show me a hunter, you go out there naked and unarmed and kill yourself a bear. Or I’ll shoot your ass so you can see how funny it is. I’m not even talking to you anymore, asshole. Get OUT OF HERE or I'll beat your ass like you owe me money! That gun don't scare me - let me go out to my car and get my shit, I'll show you a gun!

(The opinions of World-Famous Astrologer Dr. Omar Mystik are not necessarily those of this website, its management or its sponsors.)

TAURUS: You’re low mileage for your age, clean and in a popular color – white – but it’s a buyer’s market these days. Nobody wants to buy you, not at the listed price. Nobody gives a shit that you have the Mach audio package. A great stereo doesn’t make you into a goddamn Lamborghini. No matter how many amps you’re pumpin’, or how loud you can play T-Pain, you’re still a TAURUS. Which some people call a Bore-us. So have a good month, Bore-us the Bull, and see you next time. You’re not going anywhere.

GEMINI: Gemini is the Sign of the Twins. Soon, you will see why you are a Gemini. Specifically, when your long lost twin Olaf shows up at your door. You don’t have a twin? Oh, yes you do. You just didn’t know it. Your mother hid this fact from you your whole life. She could do it. Remember the sex manual you found in her closet, under the shoes? Up to that point, you were sure your mother had never had sex. Now you know anything’s possible.

Handle this sensitive twin-brother Olaf situation with care. Do not lend Olaf money, no matter how sad a sob story he tells you. And do not say anything about the World Bank or the United Nations. Holy shit, don’t get him started. Guy’s a nut.

CANCER: Cancer is the Sign of the Crab. But nobody needs to know you’re a Cancer. It’s the Zodiac Sign of shame. Who in the hell would be proud to be a damn CRAB, a crab named CANCER, of all the distasteful names? Boggles the mind. Just keep a low profile, OK? Don’t talk to nobody.

LEO: Today is a very, very bad day to be a Leo. Take my word for it. Stay in bed. Do not leave your home, not for food, not for work, not for nothing. I don’t care if you get fired, starve to death, lose your lease and get your damn $69-a-month Rent-a-Center big-screen TV repo’d – again – just take it from me, do NOT even go outside.

If you will just humor me and peek a little out from under the blind in your bedroom, and look – there, you see it? That’s the street where, if you dare defy this horoscope and step outside your door, you will be MOWED DOWN AND KILLED WITHIN FIVE MINUTES OF LEAVING YOUR HOME. Guaranteed. Leo the Lion, yeah, right. Lot of good that’ll do YOU. Also, you will soon make a new friend!

LIBRA: Nobody’s ever been able to figure out just what the hell Libra is supposed to be. Apparently, it’s a scale of some sort. Like the kind you use when you’re a low-level drug dealer and can’t afford a good scale. Just have a good day, stay out of trouble, make sure to show up for your probation officer appointments, and maybe next time, something might open for you. Maybe an entry-level management position.

(Yeah, sure. Like that’s gonna happen to a loser Libra with a narcotics conviction on his rap sheet. My bet, three months and the Libra is back to wearing stripes in the Ironbar Hotel.)

P.S. You see that punk-ass friend of yours with the Grateful Dead jacket, Toby I think his name is, you tell him World-Famous Astrologer Dr. Omar Mystick wants his goddamn money back. Not SOME, not HALF, but ALL my cash. And NOW, not next week. You HEAR ME? Just tell him.

SAGGITARIUS: The Sign of the Centaur, half human, half horse. Beware of traveling today. And beware of crowds. But don’t beware of the guy you’re going to meet totally by accident today at the Quik Trip by the gas pumps. He’s going to tell you he makes amateur porn, and he’s looking for a guy who’s all “horse” from the waist down, if you get his drift. Want to make $3000 the easy way, Half-Horse-Man? Then don’t lose the phone number. Got it, Seabiscuit?

CAPRICORN: This is a great time to be a Capricorn, the Sign of the Goat. Because this is a time of parties, food and fun, and as we all know, goats will eat anything, and so will you. This month, you’ll go to at least five parties, and show up empty-handed at every one of them. So dig in, cheapskate. Eat yourself silly. Just don’t steal anything, OK?

AQUARIUS: You are a highly motivated self-starter, but sometimes you like to take it easy and lie in the bathtub with a couple cans of Pringles, some tasty weed and the remote, watching “Judge Judy” and ignoring the phone calls from your boss. Sure, they need you today at work because it’s the busy time of year, but today’s YOUR day, not theirs. So fuck ‘em.

PISCES: Pisces is the Sign of the Fish. As a Pisces, you will find yourself swimming around in a three foot diameter circular garden pond from which there is no escape. Don’t waste your time trying to jump up the waterfall so you can swim upriver – it’s just coming from a pump. At least the food is good and pretty regular. There are a couple people who come out to the pond now and then to sprinkle in some tasty flakes.

Except when they go on vacation every summer for two or three weeks. They eat pretty good on vacation, from the size of ‘em, but the fish starve their asses off except for the occasional stray fly that might fall into the water. It’s hell. Oh, nobody mentioned that to you? Oopsy. This ain’t your lucky day, Fish-Boy.

SCORPIO: You will come into a substantial sum of money. Opportunities will open up for you. An old flame will reappear in your life. You will soon be asked to make momentous decisions. A lost item you’re looking for will be found in an unexpected place. The new career you’ve been thinking about will suddenly become a reality. You will meet new and exciting people. You will find the romance you’ve always dreamed of…

Oh, who am I trying to kid? This is the same old Zodiac shit I’ve been feeding you and the eleven other idiot Signs of the Zodiac every day for the past fifteen years. You want to know what’s going to happen today before it happens? It'll be the same old shit, different day. There's a prediction for you. Aren’t you used to the routine yet?

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