Twisted (Karen's Wee Challenge #25)
Unemployable, abandoned, addicted, his brain percolates with cheap vodka and cough syrup. The pariah owns only a grate on the glass canyon’s floor. He holds out his palm to passersby, princes of finance, housing, retail, and oil. “Spare change for a Persian Gulf veteran?”
The aristocrats hurry past, tailored Savile-sharp and flushed with quarterly-report thrills. Buy, sack, strip, sell. Import goods, export jobs. Darwinian-strangle mom-and-pop shops. Sample amuse-bouches of success.
The parade steps in their thousand-dollar shoes over the disgusting sight. “Lazy bastard…”
Feeling merciful, I drop a dollar on his head. Late for my meeting.
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An all too familiar scene so well painted. For me the first line is just right and the whole thing excellent. I too love 'tailored Savile-sharp'. I applaude your take on the challenge and yes, it is twisted indeed.
As usual, well done, Bill |
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| Thank you, Rosie. My reach may have exceeded my grasp on this one! I haven't changed much about it yet, but I have my eye on it. |
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Hiya!
Dropping the coin on his head is a great touch. (Years ago, I was bent over with morning sickness in a wealthy shopping area in central London, and the posh shoppers and shopkeepers really did seem to think I had the plague.)
I also particularly liked, 'tailored Savile-sharp'.
I didn't have a problem with the 'I' of the last line - but perhaps you've already done some editing before I got here?
I thought you could lose the 'addicted' in the 1st line (screws up your word count, I know), as the percolating brain does a better job of describing his state.
I like this one, Bill, but I felt you could almost tone it down to make it stronger - words like 'princes' and 'pariah' are so emotive, that they, to my mind, do your fantastic writing a disservice. Phrases like that 'tailored Savile-sharp' say so much more...
I didn't understand 'Darwinian-strangle mom-and-pop shops', although I see LouiseKay has picked that out as a favourite! |
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-02-13 04:19
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Good one, Bill - a very good take on twisted.
'holds up his palm' - I think might be better as 'holds out'. 'Holds up' makes me think 'stop', if you know what I mean.
'Sample amuse-bouches of success' is a great line.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: sarra - 2008-02-12 16:53
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This was one of those I had to read, come back to and read again, but it actually holds its own very well. Descriptive use for the people vs the homeless vet was accurate.
It made me feel as if I were there; and the ending was twisted. He feels bad, yet spares a dollar.
A whole dollar. |
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