The Gathering (wee story challenge # 25)
With lying lips we sat sipping tea and chatting over breakfast, while camouflaging our identity, each judging the other just the same.
When court was adjourned I washed the pseudo smile off.
“The girls beat me up.”
“Go and rejoin the game Adam it’s all a part of the fun.”
There before my eyes the cook’s son, the maid’s daughter, my children, the children and the relatives of the host played hide and seek.
I wished I could return to such innocent gathering free of all judgment and falsehood, but if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
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| I found the POV confusing too. I thought we were starting from Adams POV, yet it seemed too adult. It gave a weird impression, very confusing. |
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'There before my eyes the cook’s son, the maid’s daughter...' i feel another pause is needed here to clean up the flow of this sentence :
'There before my eyes; the cook’s son, the maid’s daughter...' |
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-02-13 05:56
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Hmmm - sorry to disagree with some of the others, but I don't think 'whiles' works there. You can have 'while' as a verb -'while away the hours'. There is a an archaic form from 'somewhiles', but it's so rarely used I think it will, as it has done here, trip people up - unless that was deliberate to set time period?
While' or 'whilst' woud both work. If you meant 'women's wiles' there's no 'h'.
A couple of other picky things and suggestions (feel free to cyber-punch me anytime you like):
'When court was adjourned I washed the pseudo smile off.' - washed off the pseudo smile.
“Go and rejoin the game Adam it’s all a part of the fun.” - "Go and rejoin the game, Adam. It's all part of the fun."
'There before my eyes the cook’s son, the maid’s daughter, my children, the children and the relatives of the host played hide and seek.' - yeah, that's a long list of people for such a short story. I think you could find a way to shorten the list.
I wasn't sure whose pov I was reading - because the first line of dialogue after 'washed the pseudo smile off' was Adam's, I assumed we were in his pov, but that seems unlikely. By the end I assumed it was Adam's mother's pov.
Oh, I've gone on and on, haven't I? Sorry about that.
I do think this is a good story, but it needs some tightening to make it the story it could be.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: lancslass Online- 2008-02-12 18:33
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This is quite a study of women in an empty, upper-crust world. Wants for nothing but not happy, masked.
I thought 'whiles' was brilliant, as in 'women's whiles' but perhaps you did mean while as suggested? Doesn't matter, stick with whiles is says much more.
I'm not sure about 'gathering' in the last sentence, Does it refer to the children playing? If so, I think a comma after it would help, or perhaps make it plural, 'gatherings'.
Cleches are best avoided, I know, but this is a perfect one as this woman is anything but a beggar. Maybe I read too much into it but anyway, I liked it, you got a lot said in a few words. :) |
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Interesting idea, but your phrases seem a bit rough.
With lying lips, we sat sipping tea and chatting over breakfast, camouflaging our identity, each judging the other with the same hypocrisy.
When court was adjourned, I washed the pseudo-smile away with cake.
“Those girls hit me!”
“Go and rejoin the game, Adam. It’s all a part of the fun.”
There, before my eyes, the cook’s son, the maid’s daughter, my children, and host's children played hide and seek, my son with tears running down his face.
(this bit is very complicated. I *like* the litany, but it needs to be a simpler litany.)
Just some suggestions; feel free to accept what you would and mock what you wouldn't. ^_^
I wished I could return to such innocent gathering free of all judgment and falsehood, but if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. |
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