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Twisted Karons Challenge 25
The tall ones didn't notice as he meandered lazily up the ledges. He could've looked down over them but continued on. Food was close by and he was hungry.
A piercing scream rose, followed by the tall ones frantically yelling. Happily fed, nothing bothered him, except he had to go slower due to the huge bulge which rested within him. The tall ones continued screaming - one of the female's voices even louder.
"Where's my baby?"
At that moment, someone noticed the great anaconda as it slowly twisted through an opening in the wall.
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That'll teach you for living in the Amazon.
Nice gory story.
One crit: "Food was close by and he was hungry." - show vs tell. What kind of food? What was the smell? "The smell of hot dogs filled the air, and he was hungry."
Thanks for posting,
john |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-02-17 06:18
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Hi Sarra
You built the suspense well here - I'm not keen on animal pov stories, especially when it's used as a twist in stories, but that's just down to my taste, not your writing.
Boonrassi has covered all of the points I would have picked on, especially the use of 'now' 'soon' and 'then'.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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hiya Sara,
The tall ones didn't notice as he (took his sweet time) up the ledges.
//cliche.. consider a word that means that.
He could've looked down over them but (kept on).
//a bit weak, empty.
a word that means that maybe.
some verbs.
thesaurus.com
There was food close by. He was hungry.
//those sentences could really use a verb.
smelled food, sensed food, heard food..
he felt hungry.
his stomach rumbled. his stomach felt hollow. acid burned his empty stomach.
whatever..
A piercing scream rose, (soon) followed by the tall ones yelling frantically.
//avoid time stamps.. stuff just happens sequentially in the universe.
A piercing scream rose,
//something not quite right here.. im not sure what.
Happily fed, nothing bothered him, except he (had to go slower) due to the huge bulge (now) resting within him.
//had to go
is a little weak.. it can easily be replaced with some vivid words.
now is a time stamp thats not really needed. we know its 'now'.
"Where's my baby?"
//good.
Someone (then) noticed the great anaconda as it slowly twisted through an opening in the wall.
//time stamp.. flip through a few pages of your fave authors.. not too many time stamps in there.
i do like the story though.
good luck with it.
T |
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| Oh, Sarra, that's horrible -but the story is great :) Clever take. |
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Comment by: DavidJ - 2008-02-13 11:59
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Poor baby, slowly digesting. How sad.
"The tall ones still screamed - one of the female's voices even louder.+ - good way to show which one the mother was. |
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