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Twisted
“Mom, tell me how it works. How does war bring peace?”
“Jason, these are thing you’ll understand when you get big.”
“So it’s a grown up thing?”
“I know it’s hard now for you, but you’ll be fine.”
“Tell me still.”
“You see when one side defeats the other side, the war ends, and then everyone shakes hands and become friends; every body is happy.
In Jason’s mind the grown up world seemed quite twisted. His endeared father was gone and wasn’t coming back all in the name of war and peace.
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Loved the format, just quotes and a conclusion.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for chastity. |
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-02-13 07:01
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Ah, Violet - I'm not going to do a SPaG crit, 'cause mine differs entirley from the ones you've already had and I don't want your poor head to spin.
So, yes - I nice wee story of how a child perceives the adult world and how adult explanations really don't make things any clearer.
Cheers
Karen |
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Great story, written as you felt, much better than "proper". Keep up the good work.
Steve |
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| FIrst line, you're missing a space after the period. Fourth line - you have "You'll be find." should be FINE. Sixth line - when is the beginning of a clause and should have a comma after "the other side, the war ends." After "become friends" you should probably use a semi-colon (;) as the thought that follows is equally important, but can stand alone. To add to your word count, in the last couple of lines, "Jason's young mind." I'd re-word it so: "twisted. The father he loved was gone and wasn’t coming back . . . all in the name of war and peace. |
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Wonderful story, Violet. Great take on the title, very appropriate. I liked the idea of war from the child's perspective.
Just a few suggestions:
“So it’s a grown up thing.” Should this be a question mark?
"...but you’ll be find.” -- s/b fine. However, you may consider 'you'll understand when you're older.' 'Fine' just seems inadequate. Maybe that's what you're going for. More dismissive.
“You see, when one side defeats the other side, the war ends. Then they all shake hands and become friends, and everybody is happy.” --Modified this just a bit.
In Jason’s mind, the grown up world seemed twisted, for his dad was gone and wasn’t coming back. All in the name of war and peace. --Added some punctuation, and split out the last for greater emphasis.
Gosh, I hope you don't mind this level of review, but I thought your story was very good, and would be excellent with a few rather minor changes. |
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