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Beginning paragraphs Revision 2
James gripped the steering wheel as a familiar heat rose up his body, up his neck until it reached its destination. As far back as he could remember, stress caused his ears to turn burn hot and flame red. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel of his S-10 pickup. Road rage. He didn’t have road rage; he didn’t have any kind of rage. Until now.
His horn blared and he slammed the ball of his hand against the top of the wheel. James couldn’t see why traffic had stopped and he didn’t care. He just wanted to get moving. As he crept along he saw the problem. He shook his head, all of these problems and near wrecks on the west bound side of the highway just because there was a wreck on the eastbound side. He hoped the farther he got from the city the better the traffic conditions would become.
He edged onto interstate sixty-six. He swerved to miss a stalled car in the travel lane. A woman stood in front of the car peering at the motor. James threw his hands in the air and screamed, "Get off the road. You want to get killed?"
He glanced into his rearview mirror and saw a young boy playing in the grass too close to the road. He swiveled his head backwards and thought, that kid’s going to get killed. He slowed his pick-up and as soon as possible he made a U-turn.
He eased up behind the car, and walked around to the passenger side. He stuck his head under the raised hood, scaring years from the life of the young woman, peering at her engine. James didn’t care that she’d hit her head on the hood.
"Your son's going to get run over!" His loud, hard voice boomed over the passing traffic. His ears looked like beacons, his brows knitted together and his lips puckered as he jerked his arm towards the boy.
She ran to her son, picked him up, said something James couldn't hear and put the boy in the car. After safely tucking her son away she joined James in front of the car.
"It just stopped. When I raised the hood steam poured out."
"I'm not a mechanic. I can push you off the road."
Anger over her irresponsibility set hard on James’s stomach, but he couldn't abandon her along the busy highway.
"Oh, thank you so much. What should I do?" She brushed her dark hair away from her forehead with the back of her hand. James looked down at her, her heart-shaped face reminded him of the actress, Valarie Bertinelli. As a child, James didn't appreciate her beauty, but he never missed the re-runs when he reached his teenage years.
"Get in and put the gearshift in neutral. I think I can shove the car enough to get it off the road, and then I'll look at it. Maybe it's something minor." He slammed the hood shut.
After pushing her off the road, he looked under the hood. A blown radiator hose. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the pocketknife his dad gave him. Even at age, fifteen he knew the value of a good pocketknife. It turned out to be the last thing his dad gave him before he died of a heart attack.
The lady stood close to James and asked, "Do you think you can fix it?"
"If I cut off this part of the hose, I can slip it back on." James showed her the hose he'd removed. "You'll need to stop and get it fixed properly as soon as you get a chance.
"You're an angel."
"I don't usually stop for stranded motorist. I travel the beltway and breakdowns are common. Service vans are dispatched around Washington D.C. to help people who are grounded.” James swished his hands together. “There seems to be plenty of water left in the radiator. Try starting it up."
The car sputtered a couple of times and then came to life. James slammed the hood.
"There's a service station a couple of exits up the highway. I'll follow you to make sure you get there."
"How much do I owe you?"
"Nothing. Do you need money to get new hoses put on?
"No, thank you, I have my credit card. I wish you'd take something for your trouble."
James brushed her off, got in his pick-up and followed her to the service station. He rolled down his window, stuck his arm out and waved as he headed back for the highway.
He whistled as he drove along--the first time he'd whistled for a long time. James's thoughts turned to finding a place to stay. He would arrive at Hooper's Creek in six hours.
He shook his head back and forth like a hand sweeping away spider webs. No worries. Relax. He sang, “gonna have a good time.”
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Comment by: Cherley - 2008-02-16 04:02
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| Thanks Dennis, I'll sure work that into my next revision. I appreciate your help. |
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Here's my two cents worth. It would improve the opening paragraph if you began with a picture of James to set up his anger. Perhaps "James gripped the steering wheel. A familiar warmth crept up into his face..."
You did a great job of showing, but a few places are overwritten such as "eternal flame, burning hot and flaming red." That's too dramatic for James's situation. Tone it down a bit. Also you showed the reader that James was very angered, but you didn't explain why. What set him off?
OK, that's all you get for two cents. A penny for your thoughts? |
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Comment by: Cherley - 2008-02-12 14:10
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I appreciate your time and suggestions. I had Valarie was an actress in the first one and it was suggested I take it out. LOL.
I will definitely take all your suggestions into consideration for my next revision. I know I'm going to have a few revisions.
Thanks. |
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"James's ears twitched." --Forgive me, but this really reminds me of a rabbit. In fact, I thought he was a rabbit for a second.
"Heat climbed up his body, up his neck, up to his ears."--It has a nice rhythm, but it's a little wordy for a beginning sentence, especially since I think your style's a little easier than this. (As in easier to read, freer, of course ^_^)
As far back as he could remember, stress caused his ears to turn into an eternal flame, burning hot and flaming red.--eternal flame seems extremely melodramatic to me
James drummed his fingers on the steering wheel of his S-10 pickup. Road Rage. He normally didn’t have road rage; he tended to be more easy-going. His horn blared and he slammed the ball of his hand against the wheel. --a couple of revisions here, mostly cuts to help the flow
He edged onto Interstate 66, swerving to miss a stalled car in the travel lane. A woman stood in front of the car, peering at the motor. James screamed at her; "Get off the road. You want to get killed?" --the other order may it sound as if it were cause and effect--if you want to be killed, get off the road.
He glanced in his rearview mirror and saw a young boy playing in the grass lining the road. "That kid’s going to get killed," he murmured to himself. Nervous, he made a U-turn.
He eased up behind the stalled car, walking around to the passenger side. He stuck his head under the raised hood, scaring years off the young woman, who hit her head on the hood. James didn't care.
"Your son's going to get run over!" His hard voice boomed over the passing traffic. His ears glowed like beacons, his brows knitted together and his lips puckered. James jerked his chin toward the boy. (if it's booming, it's loud)
"Oh!" She ran to her son, said something James couldn't hear, and put the boy in the car. After safely tucking her son away, she joined James in front of the car. Her brow furrowed as she turned to him automatically. "It just stopped. When I raised the hood, steam poured out."
James shrugged. "I'm not a mechanic. I can push you off the road, but that's it."
Anger over her irresponsibility curdled in James’s stomach, but he couldn't abandon her along the busy highway.
"Thank you so much. What should I do?" She brushed her dark hair away from her forehead with the back of her hand. James looked down at her. Her heart-shaped face reminded him of Valarie Bertinelli (old girlfriend? Friend? Who? Just some identification to go with the random name. Wait, an actress? Sorry, Maybe it's just me). He'd never missed a re-run when he was a teenager.
"Get in and put the gearshift in neutral. I think I can shove the car enough to get it off the road, and then I'll look at it. Maybe it's something minor." He slammed the hood.
She complied eagerly, and he managed to push it off the road. Wondering how he'd gotten trapped in this situation, he looked under the hood. A blown radiator hose. Fixable. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the pocketknife his dad gave him. Even at fifteen he knew the value of a good pocketknife. It was the last tangible thing his dad gave him before he died of a heart attack.
The woman stood close to James. "Do you think you can fix it?"
"If I cut off this part of the hose, I can slip it back on." James did so, and showed it to her. "You'll need to stop and get it fixed properly as soon as you get a chance.
"You're an angel."
"No. You're lucky I saw your son; I don't usually stop for stranded motorists. I travel the beltway and there are always a lot of breakdowns. No, that's what service vans are for.” James rubbed his hands together. “There's plenty of water left in the radiator. Try starting it up."
The car sputtered a couple of times and then came to life.
"There's a service station a couple of exits up the highway. I'll follow you to make sure you get there." James wiped his oily hands on his pants.
"How much do I owe you?"
"Don't worry about it. Do you have money to get new hoses put on?"
"I have my credit card. Thank you so much. I wish you'd take something for your trouble."
James shook his head again, edging away from her outstretched arm. "Let's get going." He got in his pick-up and followed her to the service station. As she pulled into the garage, he rolled down his window and waved as he headed back for the highway.
He whistled as he drove along--it was an unfamiliar sound. The good deed completed, his thoughts turned to finding a place to stay. He would arrive at Hooper's Creek in six hours.
James shook his head back and forth like a hand sweeping away spider webs. No worries. Relax. He sang as the truck hummed down the road. “Gonna have a good time.” |
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Comment by: Cherley - 2008-02-10 16:37
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| Thanks. |
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