Bitter And... Wee #25
"He was always a quiet lad, never in trouble."
In his flat, there were a hundred photographs of her, and he’d written her dozens of letters that were never sent.
Bitter, he was, but his actions were more than that. He spray-painted "Slut" all over her house and neighbourhood; put up posters of a pin-up girl edited with her head; squirted bleach into her eyes; and finally lethally injected her, then himself, at the hospital. She wasn't even his girlfriend - it had been the announcement of her marriage that had caused the snap.
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-02-17 06:01
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Aye, he's twisted all right. Good story, George.
Picky picky:
You don't need the semi before 'and finally' - in fact, I'd replace the other semis with commas, unless you put a colon after 'more than that'. Just me? Probably.
'and finally lethally injected her, then himself, at the hospital' - there's something bugging me about that part of the sentence - I think it's the 'lethally injected'. I'd prefer 'administered a lethal injection', but that's probably just me again, so feel free to ignore me.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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Thanks, vickie, mirozi, RJ and wizzer for all your comments.
I have toyed with the idea of removing 'at the hospital', but I think that it shows that even when she is being treated in hospital after an eye-sight threatening attack, he designs to get in there and get hold of some lethal cocktail of drugs and finish her off (and himself). If he can't have her, nobody will, and then he doesn't have to face up to the aftermath either by taking the easy option out.
That's my take on his state and the story's need.
GeorgeF |
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Comment by: wizzer - 2008-02-13 03:22
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he's a very unhappy twisted fellow!
well told. enjoyed the read
agree that at the hosp probably not needed
xxx geo |
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Quite twisted, indeed! I'm also a fan of your theme, Mr. Fellini, but I find the part about "at the hospital," a bit confusing. I believe your piece could do with out it. Otherwise, loved it!
BTW- did I guess correctly, the other matter? |
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Comment by: Mirozi - 2008-02-10 19:50
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Not all quiet people are psycho's, lol. I am a pretty normal (whatever that means)quiet, shy person. :)
I liked your theme, and your writing. I think this is definately twisted material here. Good work! |
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