Twisted (Wee challenge 25)
Will you help me? Will you play with me? I ask this every single day.
I sit here, alone, in this room. The room with the pillows on the walls. But these pillows are not comfortable. Neither are they used for sleeping. They told me something about them being there for my own safety. Safety? Safety is being a balloon in a heap of used needles. Safety is being a carcass in the midst of a flock of vultures.
I laugh at them, for they know not what they do. They look at me in fear…for I am…twisted.
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-02-17 17:34
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Ah, okay - if you're going for the over-the-top thing, fair enough - it works. Though, obviously, I had no way of knowing this was linked to your avatar.
It's just that the rest of it is so good (which I didn't say in my original review - sorry, I get a wee bit blind when I'm reading twenty or more at a time and end up concentrating on what I think could be improved - my fault, not yours), so creepy but in a subtle way, that last line (maybe) felt a bit overdone.
But it's your story and I apppreciate that you wrote this way for a purpose.
K. |
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| I didn't know the collective term for vultures, so flock had to suffice. And as for your comment about my last line, "manic laughing, cartoon madman," take a look at my display picture and all will be explained. It's supposed to be that way. |
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-02-17 06:25
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Hmm - yeah, like Rosie, I'm torn over that last line. Part of me thinks it's too much, but it does follow on nicely from the previous line. Either way, I don't like the ellipsis, it gives that sentence an air of melodrama - manic laughing, cartoon madman.
The vultures thing - weird, just been discussing the collective noun thing with Christina as she has a 'kettle of vultures' in her story. I always thought 'kettle' was for hawks and 'wake' for vultures, Christina disagrees - either way, it's not 'flock' (could I be anymore picky?).
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: Kalin - 2008-02-16 01:39
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| hehehe wicked |
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Scary imagery here. I felt quite sad for the narrator, wanting a playmate (assuming there's no menace to the request?).
I think it would work even better if the narrator didn't know he/she was twisted - and so didn't spell it out at the end. We've already worked out why he(?) is in there. Perhaps a final line that suggests a lack of understanding - that the 'they' of the story are mad themselves, to follow on from, 'they know not what they do'.
But then, the more I read this, the more I think the narrator knows his own mind, and is self-aware. Hmm. I still think you don't need to spell it out so much in that last line.
Sorry - went on a bit there, didn't I? |
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