STACY:
So, here I am. Look at me! I’m a slave, a slave to the world, a slave to a male-dominated society, a slave to – him! My husband, Ben. A big idiot, dull as the wall paper, works all day, out all night with his friends, comes back home drunk each night, to a dinner I cooked, a bed I made and a bath I ran for him. Does he ever thank me? No. Does he appreciate it? No? Does he ever say – honey, I love you, let’s run away together to Europe, just you and I, and live happily together in a castle overlooking the Riviera! NO!
Every evening, it’s ‘hi honey (kiss) how was work? That’s nice to hear. Well nothing happened at home while you where away but I’m just going to keep blabbing on about the little nothings that went on all day, because I know how much this annoys you and, well besides I haven’t spoken to another living person all day and thought – well, I might as well let a day’s worth of talk out in one gigantic breath. Were you listening?
I’m a slave. I’m a slave and no one even recognises it. I don’t have chains tied around my wrists – just a tiny, little, half-caret diamond ring around my finger. I don’t receive daily beatings, I am tortured by having to face the mirror every morning, to find another wrinkle. I don’t get told commanded what to do, I don’t ever starve, I don’t ever spend nights outside in the cold. No, nobody tells me what to do, I do all these chores and caring for the kids because when I was a child my mummy told me that’s it was the best thing in the world.
Thanks a lot, Mother.
And I don’t starve, my hungry is for passion; excitement; adventure!
It’s just weekly trips down shopping isles for me.
And I never freeze, but I’m always tossed out! And the cold I feel is just from the chills of my husband!
Darling, marriage will be great. We’ll buy a house, a car, have kids, everything will work out!
So much for that…
No, maybe I’m not a slave – but sometimes I wish I was! No one’s ever gone on a march or fought a war for my sake!
Nobody notices me. I’m just stuck here in suburbia…
(Sobs).
But what can I do? It’s not as if a handsome price will come this way to sweep me off my feet. Oh wait, here he is! (Opens a door.)
Hullo Andrade. And how are we today? (Laughs.) Well, come right in make yourself at home. I’ll show you to the back yard. Well, of course you know where it is! You come here once a month. But, well I don’t want you to slip over something and hurt yourself. This place looks dreadful! Well, don’t work too hard. (Leans on a table and watches him through the window).
So muscular! Andrade, he’s what I’m looking for in a man. A man with strength, and friskiness, and a very cute bum. He knows how to speak to a woman. And look at her through the window.
(Walks over to the door, watches him for another moment then calls,) Could you trim the hedges for me? Oh and, once you’ve finished, sweetheart, why don’t you come in and I’ll get you a drink. (He walks in) What would like? Lemonade? Coffee – I’ll make some coffee! Just water? Are you sure, I’ve got French Roast? Just water then, I’ll be right back. (Takes a few proud steps.)
And just between us girls, I got the naughty boy looking at me too.
(She serves the drink.) A hot day today, isn’t it? (Laughs again.) I can stare at him all day. His chest his sweat, his gorgeous blue eyes! (Sighs and almost collapses as she gives a scream.) Sorry. It must be the heat. Phew! Which also explains why my cheeks are flushed, and why my head’s suddenly feeling light, and I’m sweating! (Gasps. Looks with fright at the audience and then to Andrade. She beats her palm against her chest as he leaves the house.) Have I fallen in love? Was this what it felt like? So it wasn’t just a bored housewife’s erotic day dreams. This was the real deal!
Goodbye Andrade! See you again soon!
(Takes a second to overcome her emotions.)
But does he feel the same way? Of course he does, I’ve seen him look at me – how could anyone resist such a figure? Well, I suppose my husband’s found a way. (Gasps of fright) Damn it, forgot I had a husband! Well what to do with him? I know – no wait, divorce is too expensive, and the courts favour the husbands anyway. Or, I could kill him. He does have life insurance. I could bury him in the backyard – Andrade has shovels. And I’ve done enough drama in year ten to fake an alibi: “Oh no, detective, please help me. My husband went missing, while I was out buying washing powder!”
( Aside): Just remembered: I need some of those.
But anyway, let’s get started. The question is how. Cut his break line? No, too cliché. Get ‘im while he’s asleep – right on the nogget with his own tools. But I have to wash those sheets. Or what about this? (Picks up a kitchen knife). It’ll be up close and personal.
(The next lines, she looks at her husband, but behind his back she retrieves a kitchen knife). Hi honey! Back already. How was work? That’s nice to hear. Well, get comfortable, dinner will be a moment. (Sneaks up to him, but he turns around and she quickly hides the knife behind her back. Fakes a broad smile.) Yes? What’s this? It’s just a kitchen knife, just chopping veggies.
Shit he found me! Well… how ‘bout – (Finds a bottle of rat poison.) This will do! (She stirs it into the soup.) And some parsley – and a sprinkle of garlic.
Soups up! (She brings the tray over with a smile.) What? You’re going out? To go drinking with Greg? Who you haven’t seen in a long time? Alright, have fun, here’s your coat, see you in a couple of hours, bye-b –
(He’s gone.)
Bugger. (Defeated, she drops onto the couch, turns on the TV and eats a spoonful of soup before realising what she just did. Runs wildly, screaming and panicking before collapsing. Then slowly she wakes up.)
Where am I? what happened – wait! Everything’s white, and shining! This is heaven. Wait, what’s my husband doing here?
Who invited you in here? What? Why are you so worried? I mean, yes, of course I’m fine – I’m alive! And it’s thanks to you; you brought me to the hospital. Oh, Ben you do love me I knew it all along! (Someone is behind her.) Hmh? Hello, you are… Doctor Armstrong. So you were the real saviour? Well, doctor, I think I owe you my life, if there is any way I could repay you… (laughs).
(Annoyed) What is it Ben?
(To the audience) Well, back to the suburbs for me.

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