Twisted: Wee Challenge 25
I’m levitatin', four foot off the ground. It’s 'is favourite trick – 'e’d have me do it all night if the audience wouldn’t get twitchy. And then, as they’re cranin' their necks to see the wires, I starts to turn, slowly, round and round, like a suckin'-pig. Roll up, roll up, ladies and gentlemen, and see for yourselves the incredible... well, what am I? Bearded lady turns into ten-tonne Bessie, turns into a midget or a dancin' bear. I’m the orig'nal woman. Look closely: everythin' you want me to be, that’s what I am.
Want to comment on this Flash Fiction?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Flash Fiction and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
| This was indeed a bit unnerving, which was exactly what I enjoyed about it. I didn't mind the way she was talking at all; in fact, for me, it added to the story. Thanks for the good read! |
 |
Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-02-17 14:01
|
|
Yeah - I can hear her now, which has also made me see her more clearly for some reason - well done, Rosie.
Cheers
Karen |
|
|
Yes, it should be feet, but this is the way she talks. I can hear her voice in my head, and she definitely says 'foot'. Mind you, she also doesn't pronounce her 'h' at the beginning of words - I'm going to have a go at reproducing that...
Thanks for the punctuation suggestions. I was aware that the punctuation was a problem, but had given up trying to sort it out. That final one - changing the semi-colon to a full-stop - I played with several times.
The trouble is, I wanted the slightly longer pauses of semi-colons/colons in places, where a comma doesn't give the cadence. But I know that's anal and only I care. Anyway, I'll take another look. Thank you. |
|
Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-02-17 07:39
|
|
Yeah, the colons - erm, forgive me if I give a sugggested punctuation edit:
'I’m levitating, four foot off the ground. It’s his favourite trick – he’d have me do it all night if the audience wouldn’t get twitchy. And then, as they’re craning their necks to see the wires, I start to turn, slowly, round and round, like a sucking-pig. Roll up, roll up, ladies and gentlemen, and see for yourselves the incredible ... well, what am I? Bearded lady turns into ten-tonne Bessie, turns into a midget or a dancing bear. I’m the original woman. Look closely: everything you want me to be, that’s what I am.'
Just ignore me - I'm in one of those moods.
'four foot' - there's four of them, shouldn't it be 'feet'? I have a feeling this might be a regional thing though. I also get very distressed when I hear English game show hosts saying, 'You've won one thousand pound'.
Stop it, Karen - get to the story.
Yeah, liked the story - aren't women wonderful at multi-tasking?
It does have a menacing tone to it that I really liked - not quite the stuff of nightmares, but unnerving all the same.
Thanks for the read, sorry for going on and on and on...
Cheers
Karen |
|
|
Bill: Would take offence, but yeah, twisted is my genre. Thanks for your kind crit!
Ada: thanks for the comment. I really laboured over the punctuation - I can't seem to get it right. I'll take another look at that colon - thank you! (Just noticed that I've used a colon after both yours and Bill's names; must be going through my colon phase. That just sounds wrong, doesn't it?) |
| 1 2 Next |
|
