Trauerspiel (Mourning Play)
Fallout snow clouds smothered the city and blacked out whichever light was supposed to be out at that hour. My watch stopped working some three sleeps ago and the days before that left unanswered questions to shock my body into a walking supernova of anxiety. My eyes darted around continuously, looking for any movement and my body wouldn’t let me sit, so I kept moving and searching.
The cavities of once tall corporations littered the city like large cigarette burns and left miles of nothing as horizon. Roads had been erased and parks made imperceptible as landmarks. Days (or weeks) in, I found where the earth started sloping down in rocky, uneven terraces. I walked the edge for hours, counting steps and doing the math of feet to miles. I paced my steps and counted seconds in order to recreate time and to occupy myself.
I had seen no one yet. If anyone made it, I imagined how we would react to each other. How much shock and tension can the body take before acting of its own accord? At step 3,280 (just over 16 football field lengths in approximately 53 minutes and 36 seconds), I paused. I looked to the left of the outer ring towards the epicenter and then to the right where I assumed safety to be.
I about-faced and walked, feeling the ground crunch beneath my feet and stopped counting steps so I could pretend the cottony gray tufts were simply the product of an unusual warm winter. I caught myself several times trying to catch them on my tongue and nearly retched. I could feel my thirst and shirt disintegrate as I ran down the sloping earth. I pushed my body harder as I felt flakes, and then chunks, of skin peel away until I was simply the bone structure of a ghost haunting an old home.
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This was a good read that I see transforming into an incredible one after a revision or two. Your visuals and concepts are awesome. Some of the sentence construction needs work. The one that forced me to stop and parse repeatedly was:
"My watch stopped working some three sleeps ago and the days before that left unanswered questions to shock my body into a walking supernova of anxiety."
I would divide that puppy in half at "and." |
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Fallout snow clouds smothered the city
//killer..
and blacked out (whichever light was supposed to be out at that hour.)
//not great. awkward, verbose.
My watch stopped working some three sleeps ago and the days before that left unanswered questions to shock my body into a walking supernova of anxiety.
//ive already read this work once.. you frequently join two separate clauses (ideas) with 'and'.
thats to be avoided.
My eyes darted around continuously, looking for any movement and my body wouldn’t let me sit, so I kept moving and searching.
//separate clauses joined with and.. the above could be two sentences.
its also pure telling v showing.
I found where the earth (started sloping) down in rocky,
//avoid 'started to or 'began to' before verbs.
also, sloped down is redundant.
i found where the earth sloped..
I paced my steps and counted seconds (in order) to recreate time and to occupy myself.
//good..
in order isnt neeeded
I had seen no one yet.
//pure telling... but, it all is.
At step 3,280 (just over 16 football field lengths in approximately 53 minutes and 36 seconds), I paused. I looked to the left of the outer ring towards the epicenter and then to the right where I assumed safety to be.
I about-faced and walked, feeling the ground crunch beneath my feet and stopped counting steps so I could pretend the cottony gray tufts were simply the product of an unusual warm winter.
//two separate clauses joined with and.
feeling the ground crunch beneath my feet
//pure telling..
I could feel my thirst and shirt disintegrate as I ran down the sloping earth.
//avoid 'could' before verbs.. let the verb do its work.
I felt my thirst...
or
My thirst and shirt
//boy, joining the two separate ideas of the thirst and the shirt is a little odd.
mix up some of these clauses joined with and with
some simple, subject verb sentences.
I pushed my body harder as I felt flakes, and then chunks, of skin peel away until I was simply the bone structure of a ghost haunting an old home.
//sorry.. no way. not for me.
the above is just two much.
there might be a better word for 'chunks'.
chunks of skin?
always use a thesaurus. no, not for fancy words, for the right one. we dont have all the good words in our heads my friend.
cell, disk, drop, foil, lamella, lamina, layer, leaf, membrane, pellicle, plate, scab, scale, section, shaving, sheet, skin, slice, sliver, wafer
see any you like?
haha.. i know you do.
needs work man.. mix up the sentence structure. you do the same thing over and over again. use some short sentences sometimes.
think about semi colons.
there are hardly any subject verb sentences in here when MOST sentences should be subject verb.
subject verb sentences = showing. action happening.
add some more tools to your toolbox.
thanks,
T |
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| This is very interesting and well written. I can also see this as something bigger. A best seller Maybe. |
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Comment by: Nora - 2008-02-14 08:47
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Wow. Apocalyptic, Buchofly. Very well-written. That last paragraph really got me where I live. Catching the fallout on his tongue. Eeesh.
Good job. I could easily see this as being part of something bigger. |
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