Cara said to her lover Nick when she found out he had been seeing another woman, “What do you want? A harem?” An impish look appeared on Nick’s face, and he said, “Two women? That’s not much of a harem.” Cara laughed, tickled by the charm that endeared Nick to her. With her laugh,

Cara’s tension lifted, and they talked about other things. Nick finessed Cara in an elegant, tailor-made way. His in-volvement with another woman hurt Cara, and he covered up through humor. He had been with Cara long enough to know that a humorous response would distract her and lift her mood. Cara cooperated. She enabled Nick to be a shit.

After Cara let herself be distracted by Nick’s statement about two women not being much of a harem, he and Cara had another drink and then went to her house for the night. Although they maintained separate homes, they spent most of their time together at her place.

Within a few days, Cara asked Nick for more information about the other woman. He told Cara that her name was Moira and that Moira knew about Cara.

“How long have you known her?” Cara asked.
“Six weeks.” Nick answered.
“What are your plans?”
“She smokes. She is not permanent. Smoking is a deal breaker.”
“What does that mean?”
“I’m with you now, aren’t I? Where is she?” Nick then reached for Cara and held her in his arms. “I’m a bastard,” he said. “I hurt you.” Cara put her head on Nick’s chest, and they were quiet. Cara wondered about the implications of these words, but she did not ask. It was as if her brain had shut down.

The next day, Cara could not concentrate on her work. Her intuition told her that Nick had not told her the whole story. Nick was director of human resources for a large company. Cara searched the company’s website for the name Moira. The comp-troller’s name was Moira. She had held the job for ten years. Nick had joined the company twelve years before. Nick had known Moira longer than he had known Cara.

Cara remembered the times Nick had said he went out for drinks “with people at work” and that “people at work” had arranged a surprise birthday lunch for him. One time, when he had a dispute with the board of directors, “a friend from work” had helped straighten things out. He made several business trips over the years with “people at work.” Moira had to be the “friend at work” and the “people at work.”

Now that Cara had Moira’s full name, Cara did an internet search and found Moira’s property and voting records. Moira was the only voter and the only adult in Moira’s home. Two minor children also lived there, Margaret and Megan. At least she is not married, Cara thought.

Cara phoned Nick at work.
“I know you’ve known Moira for years.”
“Who told you?” Nick exclaimed.
“I looked it up on the internet. She lives with her two children and owns her own home.”
The line went dead. Cara thought they had been dis-connected. She phoned him back.
“Hello,” Nick said.
“Hello,” Cara said. “We got cut off.”
“I don’t want to talk.” The line went dead. Cara felt as if a truck had run over her. Cara waited a few days to hear from Nick. He did not phone, e-mail, or stop by. She e-mailed him

I’m sorry our relationship has come to this.

Nick wrote back:

What do you expect when you cyber stalk my friends? I would have been happy to answer any questions you have.

Cara then wrote several questions she had about what Moira meant to him. He ignored them. She e-mailed to ask him to be a man of his word and answer her questions, which she repeated. He responded

I’m not answering any more questions. Please do not e-mail me again.

With the name “cyberstalker” buzzing in her head, Cara looked the word up in Wikipedia, the on-line encyclopedia. Enlightened, she thought she might not be a cyberstalker, but was unsure. Fearful of the label, she decided to honor Nick’s request not to e-mail him again.

Cara was desperate for contact with Nick. She held back powerful desires to phone him, write to him, and sit on the stonewall outside his condo and wait for him to come home. She did not do this.

A Large, Pink Birthday Card

Cara hoped for months that Nick would get in touch, say he was sorry, that he loved her, and that he would do anything so that they could be together. He did get in touch. Six months after what she thought was the final e-mail, Nick sent her a large hand-made pink birthday card with hearts and X’s and O’s on the front and signed “To Cara, Love, Nick” in large letters.

She e-mailed him, asked what the card meant, and said she did not want to read too much into it. She asked him to phone or e-mail so they could talk. She told him she missed him. He e-mailed immediately. This is what he said.

The card doesn’t mean anything. You’re a good person. You were good to me. It was right to remember your birthday.

That, as they say, was that. The final e-mail struck the blow that severed the tie that linked Cara to Nick. Yet, Nick was not done with Cara.

Two months after Nick sent Cara the birthday card, Nick got in touch through e-mail. He began with

I probably should not be doing this but what the hell. I’ve been playing on Google Earth and tried to bring up your house but without success.

He said he looked for “the circle around the tree” in Cara's garden, confessed that he was “beginning to feel old and mortal,” and complained about work. He had done an internet search to see what Cara had been up to and information that “suggests you are busy.” Left unmentioned was whether he had cyber-stalked Cara. Then he asked if Cara had any news.

Cara wrote back a week later. She told him that his e-mail had come at a time when she was missing him especially, and she wondered about psychic connection. She continued

We’ve had such wonderful times together that I said to myself this week I find it hard to believe that these times were not wonderful for you, too. I cherish my memories of us together and would like the barriers be-tween us to dissolve. I can’t see how that is possible, although there was a time when I would have done all I could to have seen that happen. I’m glad you think of me, and I hope you cherish the memories.

She told him a bit of news about a commitment cere-mony she had attended the week before. She said that the vows the two women exchanged were words “I wish you and I could have said to each other: ‘Loving what we know about each other and trusting what we do not know.’” She continued

My wish for you is that you say those words to someone who is worthy of them. You have a full life with Moira and her family. Unless things change drastically and you finally come clean, I see little hope that I would want even an e-mail friendship with you.

There is far too much unexplained cruelty from you to me for me to ignore. You did say once, ‘I hurt you,’ and you were contrite. I actually need much more explana-tion than that.

Nick responded right away. He said

OK. I thought we could have had an email correspon-dence but I read your words ‘I cannot see how we can maintain a connection even via e-mail’ and I respect them. We did have wonderful times and they keep com-ing back to me when I least expect them, and yes I also ‘cherish’ those memories.

He added, “I cannot recall” the cruelty or what it was about. He continued

Sometimes you cannot explain everything in this world. I hope that will always be the case. We need some ‘un-knowns’ even when it’s our own behavior. The world is healthier with some mystery in it, even self mystery.

If Cara needed more reason to conclude a relationship with Nick was hopeless, she had it.

A few months later, U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales testified under oath before a Senate committee that he “cannot recall” the events that led up to the firing of eight U.S. federal attorneys. Subsequent records and testimony of others revealed that he had been completely involved in the firings. President Richard M. Nixon used the faulty memory cover-up during the Watergate scandal in the early 1970s, as mentioned earlier.

Nick is in good company when he invoked the cover-up of not remembering. There must be a school where people learn how to be shits.

Application of the Theory to the Case of Cara and Nick

The story of Cara and Nick, like the tales of Ella and Don and of Heather and her boyfriend, is a complex chain of events. Application of the theory will reveal whether Nick met the standards of being a shit and how Cara might have enabled him to do so.

Nick had committed an unkind deed, which was to date another woman named Moira while he was involved with Cara.

Motivations for Cover-Ups

Nick left unstated his motive for covering up the place of Moira in his life, but he may have had more than one. He may have wanted both women—one for work and one for home. If this is so, Nick is not alone. Don wanted two women. These men stand for countless others. Women, too, are not im-mune to wanting more than one romantic involvement. The desire to keep one’s gains is a typical motivation of cover-up.

There are other possible motivations for Nick’s unkind deeds and cover-ups. He may have preferred Moira over Cara but was afraid to tell Cara because he did not want to put up with her reactions, which could have been hurt, anger, and re-crimination. In other words, he wanted to avoid consequences. In addition, Moira may have been important to Nick in his ca-reer, and he may have valued business success more than his connection to Cara. Only Nick can account for his motivations, although his statement about two women may be the closest to the truth.

Nick’s Cover-Ups and Cara’s Buy-Ins

Nick engaged in a series of cover-ups. The first was humor when he said, “Two women? That’s not much of a harem.” Cara bought into that one for a short time, temporarily diffusing a hot situation and enabling Nick to be s shit.

Nick then declared himself a bastard for hurting Cara. She allowed him to hold her in his arms, leading her to wonder about what these words meant for them as a couple.

The next cover-up was to divert attention from his lie about how long he had known Moira. When Cara told him she knew he had known Moira for years, insteading of admitting his lie, he asked, “Who told you?” Cara answered Nick’s question instead of insisting that he admit he had lied. Cara once again allowed herself to be distracted from her own agenda. Once again, she enabled Nick to succeed at being a shit.

Nick then grabbed complete control when he accused Cara of cyberstalking. The word silenced Cara. After checking the meaning of the word in Wikipedia, she thought she probably had not cyberstalked, but she vowed not to search the internet for any more information about Moira. Once again Nick succeeded at be-ing a shit.

The first time Nick hung up without warning was another cover-up but it had no effect on Cara because she thought they had been disconnected. When she phoned him back, and he said, “I don’t want to talk,” that was yet another cover-up in the form of evasion. This cover-up devastated Cara. She was hurt and con-fused. Her view of Nick as a charming, thoughtful man clashed with this angry, biting version of him. She had her first inkling of how callous Nick could be. Nick was beginning to fail at being a shit. Subsequent exchanges confirmed this change of status.

Nick’s Pretense of Virtue Did Not Hold Up

Nick had presented a façade of virtue when he told Cara that he would have been glad to answer any questions. Cara took him at his word, but he answered none of them and told her he would not answer any more.

When Nick followed up his refusal with a request not to e-mail him, she could hardly bear it, but something changed, too. Still hurt but no longer confused, Cara began to see Nick’s actions as callous and uncaring. In so doing, Cara refused buy-in to Nick’s cover-ups.

Cara abided by Nick’s request not to e-mail him. She also did not phone him, drop by his office or home, or write to him. She hoped that he would seek to reconnect in honest ways. He did not. The meaningless pink birthday card was the last act of their drama. She was done. To Cara, his final e-mail about the circle around her tree and her response about love and trust were post-scripts that went nowhere.

Nick Downgraded from Shit to Bastard

Nick succeeded on some counts in being a shit before Cara came to know him as he was. His harsh cover-ups and refusal to talk things out led her to think of him as a bastard, just as Ella had done at the end of Quentins. Ironically, Nick had called himself a bastard. It was only in light of subsequent events that Cara agreed with him. She also thought he might be a weasel in his cowardice in refusing to talk.

Nick Downgraded from Clever Fox to Reactor

Nick enacted several different cover-ups in rapid suc-cession. He was a Clever Fox for some of them. For others, such as the birthday card that meant nothing, he was clueless, perhaps a Reactor, or possibly a type that does not yet have a name.

He was a Reactor when he was firing away with his cover-ups. He apparently had not thought through the implica-tions of calling Cara a cyberstalker, his refusal to answer her questions, hanging up on her twice, and telling her not to e-mail him again. He seemed not to realize that Cara would experience these actions as cruel and as barriers to reconnection, barriers that only Nick could remove through accountability.

Nick’s thoughts on mystery, “even self-mystery,” suggest that he has advanced capacities for being a True Be-liever as well. These thoughts were an elegant explanation as to why he “cannot recall” his cruelties. By so doing, he excused his own actions that from Cara’s point of view were callous and required discussion and explanation.

In the end, Nick is like many others who commit unkind deeds and then cover up. They are unrepentant and unaccount-able. They hold on to their constructions of reality to the bitter end, even when recipients find them out and despite their own desires for reconnection.

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