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Comment by: Joey - 2008-03-10 03:28
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| Capturing the quasi-philosophers of Portland. Very nice. |
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great rhyme scheme and pace, it all flows very nicely and stays true to its ideals - by this i mean it doesn't meander and loose its emotional punch. it appears to be a very personal poem, which adds resonance too.
it does appear to be more of a song than a poem, i have to say. which is by no means a criticism (as i have been know to write 'lyrical' poetry' myself).
bravo and all that. |
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5 straight lines I’m pretty too
//nice.
She’s what she’s what
I should be
She’s so she’s so
Vogue magazine
//great..
Paparazzi magic moment
//fantastic..
Lipstick tastes like definition
//wow..
Take a hit off my new body
/strooooong voice..
Pulse sent through love technology
//ultra cool
Nature lack western culture
Back slide invert illusion literature
i think there are stronger lines in here to end on.. its up to you.
thanks for the read..
killer.
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Comment by: Bucho - 2008-02-18 14:11
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on first glance, i would actually recommend dropping the last three lines altogether. ending it with "take a hit off my new body" sounds like a continuation of the defiance of the writer throughout the piece and ends it like a big "fuck you" to anyone who thinks otherwise.
i'm not normally big on rhyming (personal preference), but this one flowed nicely and i really liked the repetitive phrasing about half-way through (reminded me of the chorus of a song) |
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| I too like your use of rhythm and rhyme. I kinda got lost on the last three lines, I would suggest editing them a bit. The words don't seem to flow together there as well as in the rest of them poem. |
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