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lancslass
Anna Langton
United States, Colorado, Denver

Words: 150
Access: Public
Comments: 15

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Real Life, Wee Challenge 26

June offered the baby her breast and closed her eyes. Sleep pounced, pulling her back to the Air Force and uniform, to sailing her bike over the hills of St. Davids, singing with the band, laughing with the girls, and freedom.
“Wake up, love!”
She blinked at her husband.
“We had a customer.”
From the distant hills, June hadn’t heard the jangling shop bell.
“I’m tired, Bill. It’s all work; the whole war wasn’t this tiring. The band, it went touring, after we demobbed. I…”
“What? You wish you’d gone with them?”
Wearily, Bill gestured around the stockpiled living room, “You wanted this, marriage, building a business together. You said…”
“I know.”
Holding the baby, she knelt to price another cold, white dinner plate with a chinagraph pencil, then clattered it over to its new pile. “I just never knew it would be like this.”

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Comments  
GarethCB Comment by: GarethCB - 2008-02-22 23:29
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Moving and tightly-written. I feel this is one flash that could be opened up a bit. There's a bigger story for these characters.
Fireballems Comment by: Fireballems - 2008-02-22 13:19
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interesting and extremely well written, but i don't like the end.
lancslass Comment by: lancslass - 2008-02-20 14:16
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Thanks Chana and Sarra. And thanks for pointing out the tense confusion, Sarra :)
sarra Comment by: sarra - 2008-02-20 12:28
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Love this. So true to life. However, one thing I noticed is that the whole thing is in past tense 'she blinked...' 'June hadn't heard...'

But at the end, it switches to present tense, 'Still holding the baby, she kneels...'
Should it remain consistant: '...she knelt'?

Other than that, this is very vivid and I'm willing to be others can relate well.
sudipal Comment by: sudipal - 2008-02-19 15:50
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Sad, in that we all look towards the future with hope, then look towards the past with regret. Wonderful story.
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