Its not about
not drinking
or using anymore,

because though there was suffering
back then
sure as shit

and deep sharp pain -
the sort that comes
with any loss or change,
especially the kind
you wish needn't be -

that task
ended up
just being skin deep,

and in hindsight,
mostly a thing
you can get to
and scratch
with just a little reaching
and effort
if you want it bad enough.

Nowadays though
its about living
in the world,
the Universe,

here
right now

from the surface
all the way down
to the ocean floor

with your whole self

which explains why the drinking
and using
and fucking
and crying,
choosing poorly,
and hiding out

buried deep
under so many blankets
of delusion and filth
in the first place

made so much sense

because
at least for me
there's these
feeling
and believings

I just knew
had to be true,
hurt like hell,
and might just kill me
if they ever got loose
out on open ground

like some unruly
runaway dog
off its leash
barking
tearing up the neighborhood
before getting run over
out on Moon Road.

Everyone's got this stuff
running deep, cold,
and slow

below the thermal layer
where even radar won't go.

But when the running and hiding
slows down enough,
it starts leaking out.

And from that point on,
its only about drinking and using
if you let it.

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