 |
 |
 |
| |
Lifeless
Sweet misery creeps around the corner,
lurking in the shadows till it grasps onto her soul.
The feeling of despair and no control overwhelms her.
Believing life has nothing more to offer,
she waits silently for the day she leaves.
She holds no note in her hand,
for she feels theres nothing to say.
No one will know what drove her to the edge.
She's hidden herself from the world,
crouching in the corner of her room.
Her eyes that shined like crystal blue jewels,
they no longer shine.
Her final minute, her final moment.
Only but one tear falls down her cheek.
Closes her eyes and whispers, "Goodbye".
Want to comment on this Short Stories?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Short Stories and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
I second boonrasi's comments. This poem has potential. Word choice and employing more metaphor would really punch readers in the gut.
Are you working on another draft for this? A poem is never done. |
|
|
hiya Michelle..
Sweet misery creeps around the corner,
//ok..
have thrown a thesaurus at 'sweet'?
candied, candy-coated, cloying, delicious, honeyed, like candy, like honey, like sugar, luscious, nectareous, saccharine, sugar-coated, sugared, sweetened, syrupy, toothsome
just sayin... there might be something stronger, more vivid. no, im not saying to use a fancy word, i never ever do.
just.. get in the habit of using a thesaurus.
Candied misery...
cool.
lurking in the shadows till it grasps (onto) her soul.
//grasps and 'onto' are redundant.
also.. u might hit 'grasps' with a thesaurus.
cinch, clamp, clasp, clench, clinch, clutches, embrace, grapple, grip, lug, seize, possession, purchase
//there r some good words in there.. do you see one you like more than 'grasp'?
The feeling of despair and (no control) overwhelms her.
//you might want a word that means that.
Believing life has nothing more to offer,
//could be stronger, tighter.
She's hidden herself from the world,
//ok..
crouching in the corner of her room.
//decent image..
Her eyes that shined like crystal blue jewels,
they no longer shine.
//needs work.
Her final minute, her final moment.
//not bad.
(Only but one) tear falls down her cheek.
//sorta awkward..
Closes her eyes and whispers, "Goodbye".
this could be tightened up a bunch.. strive for brevity.
look for strong, vivid words that paint pictures.
use a thesaurus all the time. believe me, theres tons of good words i dont know till i see them. simple words.
thesaurus.com.
laterz,
T |
 |
Comment by: Cherley - 2008-02-18 14:35
|
|
Very nice and very sad. I wonder how it would read without either despair or no control. Together they seem a bit much. Maybe one of them could be worked into the next stanza.=
This one other place seems a bit rough: they no longer shine.
Overall I really enjoyed your poem. |
| 1 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
