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He knew
What she wanted
But she didn’t really
Care for what he had to offer.
His love.
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It's clear you have a feel for where to turn the poem, and I do think it's nice to have it all in two sentences.
Let me be provocative and say that it is really hard to write a love poem without sounding cliched.
Really
Really
Hard.
So why bother? Write something fresh instead. Write about Cheryl's glasses for instance. They are so interesting.
Yes - that one offers depth and begs to be read over and over again. I sis struggle with the fact that it's all one sentence as it seems a little breathless. But maybe that's the point?
