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Never Knew (Wee challenge 26)
He looks down at the little piece of paper in his hand and then back up to the street sign. Yes, this is the correct street. A nice little community, kids and adults alike could enjoy it here.
He walks past the rows of houses, some with their neat flower gardens, others with their crisply manicured lawns. A few people were out in the morning sunshine and they acknowledged him with friendly gestures as he passed by.
He stops at the house he is looking for, and walks up to its door. He hesitates with his finger just inches away from the doorbell, questioning himself. Finally he rings it and a woman answers.
He could hold it back no longer. The tears come freely.
His daughter never knew how hard he had been looking for her after giving her up for adoption all those years ago.
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Comment by: Mirozi - 2008-03-07 22:36
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I can only imagine what it must be like for those who have given up their child for adoption to be suddenly in front of them after all that time. It has to be so intense.
Good story! |
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| I always prefer the present tense when I'm writing, I feel more comfortable using it. |
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Comment by: sarra - 2008-02-20 12:31
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I agree with Nora: this would make a very gripping and interesting short story. As she touched on the 'changing of the tense's" problem, I see no other critiquing.
Present day is very hard to pull off consistantly; perhaps keeping it to past would work a lot easier for you? |
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A worthy effort, Ryon. I liked it immensely. I noticed the verb tense issue as well, and suggest the following:
"A few people were out in the morning" [replace "were" with "stand"]
"and they acknowledged him" [drop "they" and the second "d" on "acknowledged"]
"as he passed by." [make that "passes"] |
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| Thanks for the comments. I have this bad habit of changing my tenses constantly. I'm trying to fix that little problem but old habits die hard, as they say. |
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