Work Station
The desk,
Compressed paper,
Sitting covered in work,
Distractions from writing my poem,
Plastic table.
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Comment by: tcbswan - 2008-03-26 11:40
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oh! can i relate--nice!
t. |
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Line 1: The desk,
LIne 2: Piled deep with work,
Line 3: left to write this poem
Line 4: preferring one far above the
Line 5: other.
Sorry, I couldn't help myself. Janet |
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| Thanks for the feedback guys, i am still considering the edit. That and the fact i have been off line for almost a week. I hope to get it sorted before the deadline |
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killer title..
The desk,
Compressed paper,
(Sitting) covered in work,
//love to see a stronger word than that.
Plastic table.
that is really nice. sorta..............bleak.
last line is off a syl.
syns for table
bar, bench, board, buffet, bureau, console, counter, desk, dining table, dinner table, dresser, lectern, pulpit, sideboard, sink, slab, stand, wagon
//slab................cool.
syns for plastic
artificial, bending, cast, cellulose, chemical, ductile, elastic, fictile, formable, moldable, molded, pliable, pliant, pseudo*, resilient, shapable, soft, substitute, superficial, supple, synthetic, workable
cast slab
hmmmmmm.
might also use syns for 'false'.
lots of good ones.
thanks
T
thanks
T |
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I didn't see the previous version, with the 'chipboard'. I'm really sorry, but I was still a bit thrown by 'sitting' - who's sitting? you or the desk? And why is the paper compressed?
The desk could be 'strewn with paper' in line 2, which would then free up line 3 for the descriptions Kerosene and Alien suggested, which could also flow into line 4.
Oh - and the last line still needs to lose 2 syllables, as it's meant to be only 2 syllables long. Which is a shame, as I rather like 'plastic table' as an end image. Perhaps you could flow it over from the line before - just 'table' on the last line. Hmm.
Do you hate me now? |
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