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Paramour
Paramour © 2008
written by Glen Yumang Manese
a.k.a. Filipino American Dream
Ruined, the cup no longer full
emptiness rules the lather
to hold what’s left of a residue
that learning keeps filtering
This failure to commit
the vows of martial status
in only you that victimize
a verdict of no returns
That repeats even, now
long after you’re far gone
though blind to truth
kills me softly a disease
No rewinds to a cure
that burns a wound
to seep infinitely the tenure
bounded by imprisonment
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Thanks for the insight, guys... I will have to work on this verse... I agree this needs some added atttention to make the read, better...
Glen Yumang Manese |
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| Yes I'll agree with the other man. A few sentences just don't make sense, and there are alot of grammatical mistakes. Try working on the grammar. You don't seem to make the reader getting absorbed in you writing. |
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hiya Glenn
this is a tough read my friend..
its hard to find something to hold onto, something to relate to.
some of the lines just dont seem to make sense. they seem like non sequitors man.
Ruined, the cup no longer full
//nice..
emptiness rules the lather
to hold what’s left of residue
//emptiness hold whats left of residue?
thats what that means.
also... 'whats left of residue'
is redundant.
residue means 'whats left'.
that learning keeps filtering
This failure
in only you that victimizes
//really awkward..
im not sure if its even an english sentence.
a verdict of no returns
That repeats even, now
long after your far gone
//your're
though blind to truth
kills me softly a disease
//thats just not a grammatically correct sentence.
thanks..
T |
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