Illumination
Beauty.
Light is slowly
Burning brighter; seeping
inside. Illumination from,
candle.
Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
every great word Cheryl said.. plus
some syns for you to play with
illumination
beam, brightening, brightness, brilliance, flame, flash, gleam, lighting, lights, radiance, ray
light
ablaze, aglow, bright, brilliant, burnished, clear, cloudless, flashing, fluorescent, glassy, glossy, glowing, lambent, lucent, luminous, lustrous, phosphorescent, polished, radiant, refulgent, resplendent, rich, scintillant, shining, shiny, sunny, unclouded, unobscured, vivid, well-lighted, well-lit
burn
bake, blaze, brand, broil, calcine, cauterize, char, combust, conflagrate, cook, cremate, enkindle, flame, flare, flash, flicker, glow, heat, ignite, incinerate, kindle, light, melt, parch, rekindle, roast, scald, scorch, sear, singe, smoke, smolder, toast, torch, wither
o sure... lots of those are too fancy, haha.. but, do you see any good ones? ones you like? i know you do.
crank up your word choice, its easy and takes like two minutes to use a thesaurus.
thesaurus.com
all the good words arent in anyones head.
thanks,
T |
 |
Comment by: alien - 2008-02-26 02:26
|
|
You don't really need the comma at the end of line 4.
I think this is a lovely subject for a poem but I think you could have worked a little harder to convey a sense of place. There's a few wasted syllables in here in the form of words ending with ING:
Also - the first word is a little wasteful - it's telling not showing. "Show don't tell" is a concept that poetry uses, too. SHOW us HOW it's beautiful - don't just tell us that it is.
Illumination and light: both of these words are not necessary here because they both mean the same thing. This is a sparing form - you cannot afford to waste anything.
What I'm trying to say is, this is a lovely poem but there's more work to do on it to make is as good as it could be :) |
|
|
| Ah - that looks more like a cinquain! (Says the woman who only wrote her first one a couple of days ago, so can hardly claim to be an expert...) |
|
|
| ah, i was a lil confused on that, thanks ^_^ |
|
|
I had this image of someone waking up to find their bedroom was on fire! Not sure if that's what you were aiming for?
Here's one way to work it, to get the cinquain's syllable count:
Beauty
Seeps inside me;
The light becomes brighter,
Until I see it's a candle
Burning.
Of course, if the 'abruptly' was meant to suggest a fire, this version doesn't work...
'on fire' might be a good last line in that case! |
| 1 2 Next |
|
