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After thought
let me be straight with you
it is not living
- mundane
paycheck to paycheck -
I seek
I, the slaughtered calf
meat hook
in the neck
I, the forgotten few
consumed by the hatred
in faces unknown
whimpering whispers
flutter freely
devoid of love
from which I
have no escape
what man am I
when I don’t even
recognize that
which I’ve become
‘tis the time
to exit
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Comment by: mitra - 2008-04-20 08:26
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| Some strong emotions to carry. The second stanza wakes us up to the seriousness of the subject. I'm amazed at the versatility of your writing. :) |
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Comment by: alien Online- 2008-02-28 06:31
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I immediately liked the title because it can be read two ways because you haven't used a capital letter T for thought. I read it first as After Thought, as in, that which comes after you've thought. And next as Afterthought as in, something you just stick in without much consideration.
So that was great.
It needs the proper type of punctuation - as in, full stops to mark the ends of the sentences. I don't think it flows right without them. I also think that the poem ends after 'which I've become' (and that line needs a question mark, too). I think the last 2 lines are reduntdant.
"consumed by the hatred" - I think you could lose the 'the' here.
"whimpering whispers
flutter freely" - nice alliteration. But I wasn't really sure whether that stanza belonged either. Or it needs fleshing out, perhaps. It's unclear about what it means, even though it sounds nice.
Good work, Louis, but not your best.
I hope you're alright :) |
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Comment by: Sophia - 2008-02-27 02:25
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I really like the first stanza, it caught my attention straight away, and the rest of the poem didn't disappoint. I also really liked this part:
'what man am I
when I don’t even
recognize that
which I’ve become'
A very thoughtful piece of writing. |
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Wow - This is simply brilliant Louis! I think this one could be quite open to interpretation, but from whichever perspective you read it, one can identify.
Why don't you have a book of poetry out yet?! What is wrong with the publishers of this world?!
PS. Great title by the way! |
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