Goodbye
And as I look down at his body, I see a horrific mess. Blood is everywhere. He is broken. Bloody. Mangled limbs are protruding from his torso at unusual angles. Bones are surely broken. He needs medical attention, and quickly. But I am the only one around. I have no cell phone on me. Apparently, neither does he. And we are many miles away from the nearest house. For all intents and purposes, we are cut off from civilisation. It is true that several people enjoy taking their morning and afternoon jogs out here, where one can be away from the hustle and bustle of the city. Evidently he is one of them, his clothes an indicator of that. I, myself, am wearing one of my track suits. It is intuitively obvious that something had happened to him while he was exercising and I, doing much the same, stumbled upon him. But who else would come? Almost everyone else was at work, since it is quite late in the morning. He was lucky that I cam across him, or his condition would not have been made known until much later. At least that's what I wanted them to think.
I kick him in his ribs, probably breaking several more in the process. He rolls over onto his back as I pull something out of my pocket. His eyes open wide as he tries to say something. But he cannot. I have probably crushed his windpipe during my attacks. He does not need to speak, however. I will do the talking for him.
"Goodbye, Jonathan."
He tries to crawl away from harm but his battered body goes nowhere. He is clearly in pain. I let him try in vain for a few moments longer before I end it.
I turn and walk away. The sound of a gunshot echoes in the air.
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Thanks for both the feedback and the suggestions. I didn't realise that it was so wordy until you pointed that out to me. That's something I'll attempt to address in future writing. (I don't usually edit my work except for typos, all other errors remain as I originally wrote it. Call it a bad habit, but it helps me compare.) I'm not saying that your comments fall on deaf ears, though. (Blind eyes? This IS online, after all...)
I wanted the gunshot echo to be the last thing in the scene, I think it gives more closure that way. But I see your point about it being confusing if you don't know. |
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I appreciate how the story begins with a look at this mangled body. It brings me as a reader in immediately.
I love the surprise of how the narrarator is actually Jonathan's murderer.
Constructive feedback? Well, there is something Stephen King said in his book On Writing, about omitting needless sentences. Less is more, especially in flash fiction. In this story, there are instances where I feel the writer is saying more than is needed, and an edge is lost somehow in that. Some examples:
"For all intents and purposes, we are cut off from civilisation." -Good writing is always SHOWING, rather than TELLING.You do a good job of showing that the narrator and Jonathan are alone, cut off. No need to say any more.
"It is intuitively obvious that something had happened to him while he was exercising and I, doing much the same, stumbled upon him." -How could this idea be said with half as many words?
Also, find any words (adverbs usually) with the letters "ly" at the end of them. If you can find a way to communicate what you're trying to describe without using "ly" words, then your writing will be even tighter.
Also, one final thing. The last sentences, I noticed, is hard to put together. Did the narrator walk away, and someone else come by and shoot Jonathan? Given that he has just kicked Jonathan, I'm guessing its him who shot him. I do like the starkness of the sentence. Maybe reverse the two final sentences? The gunshot first, and then the last thing we as readers see is the narrator turning and walking away.
I enjoyed reading your writing. Look forward to reading more. |
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