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Puckett
I could swear
I’m losing this
No sleep
No taste
No appetite at all
Does this make you happy to hear?
The things you do to me?
You know I still can’t figure
If it's only self-inflicted
It’s all so confusing
Inside of my head
It’s like a drug
I feel like screaming
Full out
Trashing this place
Beating the furniture
Into matchsticks
Yeah, you do that
Then you come in acting all
Hey-how-are-you?
Lie to my face
Would you please stop
Acting so nice?
How am I supposed to
Hate you
When you treat me like a princess?
Then again
Maybe that’s why
I hate you
I don’t lash out
I don’t scream or cry
I keep my composure
But inside
Oh, inside
I’m losing it.
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Consider me unconventional and critical. I dislike format when it gets in the way of the poetry. The 4 line breaks... completely unnecessary with the way it's written and throws off the flow.
It's one continuous piece rather than separate ideas which create a whole. Example... "How am I supposed to (double-space) Hate you"???? That could by all rights even be on the same line.
If it's poetry coming from your heart, then write the poetry the way it comes from your heart and not in stanzas or the way any other writer tells you is the politically correct way to write. |
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Comment by: champagne Online- 2008-02-24 18:41
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This is a really good piece. I like your line breaks, I feel the jerky blurts as you either mutter or growl at the "you" in your poem. Nicely done. I jotted down some suggestions on my second read through. These ideas are just a couple of things that I think would improve the poem for me. You're welcome to accept or discard my suggestions as you like. After all, this is your poem. My ideas are in parentheses. I, also, snipped the pieces of poem that I wasn't commenting on and inserted [...].
I could swear to god
(The main feature of this poem is in terseness and brevity in my thoughts. So, instead of swearing to god, just swear)
[...]
You know I still can’t figure out
(Drop the out, your reader's smart enough to figure this "out" on their own.)
Whether this is all just self-inflicted
(whether or what? If you're not going to tell us the second half of the sentence construct maybe you shouldn't include the "whether" at all? It works if you just say "if" ... "I can't figure if it's all self-... See what I mean? With out the empty words, the idea is clearer)
It’s all just so confusing
(Just moves the poetry into mediocrity. It's an average word, is just. I think the only time just is served, is when we're talking about justice.)
[...]
I feel like screaming right now
("right now" is an immediate phrase that stalls the idea, scream!)
Just full out
(Just?)[...]
Into a tiny little matchstick
(All that furniture into one matchstick?)
Yeah, you do that
And you come in acting all
Hey, how are you?
(Try a little unconventional construction here: Hey-how-are-you?
[...]
I hate you
But I don’t lash out
(But is like just, overused and not totally neccessary.)
[...]
Thanks for letting us read your poem. |
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Comment by: Cherley - 2008-02-24 17:40
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| I think the key to your poem here is to write it all without the double spaces. I read it in stanzas and it didn't work then I realized it needed to be read together. Once I figured out how to read it then I could relate to it. I think matchstick should be matchsticks. |
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Comment by: - 2008-02-23 19:37
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Lie to my face
Would you please stop
Acting so nice?
How am I supposed to
Hate you
When you treat me like a princess?
Then again
Maybe that’s why
I hate you
But I don’t lash out
I don’t scream or cry
I keep my composure
But inside
Oh, inside
I’m losing it.
I know how this feel. Love the poem. Look forward on reading more from you. |
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cooool...
strong voice in here..
I could swear to god
I’m losing this
No sleep
No taste
/kinda powerful
No appetite at all
Does this make you happy to hear?
The things you do to me?
You know I still can’t figure out
Whether this is all just self-inflicted
It’s all (just so) confusing
not really needed..
Inside of my head
It’s like a drug
I feel like screaming right now
Just full out
Trashing this place
Beating the furniture
Into a tiny little matchstick
//all the furniture into one matchstick?
Yeah, you do that
And you come in acting all
Hey, how are you?
//haha..
But inside
Oh, inside
I’m losing it.
//i liked it.. i definitely felt your pain..
word choice could be cranked up a little.
thanks,
T |
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