One woman's search for real love after years of abuse and rejection.


Filled with joy from head to toe, I stare into my man's eyes as we stand before the minister. My heart is pounding and I can't believe this is real. I'm getting married today! How long I've prayed for this moment, exchanging vows with a man who truly loves me and I him. Finally free from the users, abusers and losers. He was waiting for me all this time and I never knew. To think I almost missed him, thank you God! He's so handsome and he's smart too. I thought I would never meet a really good man. Anticipation fills every fiber of my being. Our life together won't be perfect but it'll be good. The life I've always wanted but didn't think I could have. I feel giddy, youthful, totally adored by him, the man who finally captured my heart.

Growing up, I knew true love existed but let's face it my own father divorced my mother when he learned of my arrival. If he didn't want me, what man ever would? I grew up knowing only that my mother loved me and was taught that God loved me, but it seemed no man did. I was raised to be independent.

Being raised by a single mother who was indeed a strong woman, I learned that it was best to be my own person and never let a man define who I am. But my mother, in a contradiction of terms, eventually married a man who kept her down emotionally for lack of his own self esteem and worth. I was 15 when that happened and up until then my life was full of love and happiness with my mom and younger sister. My mom was a teacher and spent the summer with us daily, praying, dancing and reading to us. She was full of life and strength, children were drawn to her. My friends adored her as much as I did. But on that fateful day in August of 1986, a month before my sixteenth birthday, she married a man who would forever change my life.

I was a virgin and totally naive of life and of love. I only had my mom until that point and I didn't know what having a dad in my life meant. I'd met my real dad once when I was seven when he came down for a weekend to visit me. He was only interested in sleeping with my mom, not really getting to know me. To him, I was a distraction at best. When he did finally pay attention to me, he realized that I was smart like him. So he tried to take me from my mom, but that fell through. Knowing this man was apart of me, I longed to know him, in order to better know myself. I wrote to him since then but never saw him again until I was 19. My new step dad, however, had no intention of being a father to me either. He was a father, but didn't know his own children so how could he hope to father me and my sister? I not so politely warned my mother of this but she assured me I was wrong and this was the man God told her to marry. I know GOD doesn't make mistakes, but you have to wonder, was mom really listening to God or her own loneliness? Marrying him turned out to be a terrible mistake. From the beginning this man pursued me, claiming it was out of friendship.

I used to write poetry and he began to write poems for me and put them in my books where he knew I would find them. I informed my mom, who quickly shrugged it off and said it was just his way of getting to know me. On my sixteenth birthday, my step dad kissed me on the lips after saying "sweet sixteen and never been kissed" in front of my mom and my friends. (Little did he know that I'd had my first kiss at the age of 14.) I pulled away and looked at my mother who just smiled as if nothing happened. My mother was pregnant now and she didn't know it yet, but I did.

I watched her body change and her mood shift. She looked so happy and pleased with herself. How could I take that away from her? My step dad continued to pursue me even claiming that when he married my mother, he married me as well. As the eldest daughter I felt protective of my mother and I knew she deserved better than this man. He was a lazy, arrogant, know-it-all who claimed to have the all the answers spiritually but to me was a fraud. If he was so great, why at 36 yrs old was he living with his aunt with no place of his own and then proceeded to move in with us in our tiny two bedroom house? My mom dated doctors and such, even my high school principal wanted to marry her. But whom does she pick? This loser. And "God" told her to do this? I began to wonder about this God and what in the Hades he was thinking when he told my mom to marry this bozo. It was then my love of this God and subsequently, man, began to fade. Why didn't my mother see what this man was about? Was love really this blind? Or was my mother just that desperate and lonely?

After my mom gave birth to my little sister, Dana, she hardly had time for my step dad. So he turned to me. I knew I was in trouble after the first time he molested me. He told me that my mom wouldn't believe me so I should just keep quiet. Well, I told. Big surprise, he was right! Mom didn't even believe it when she caught him kissing me. He told her he was just teaching me how to kiss a boy. Can you believe she fell for that? After several incidents of molestation, I became withdrawn. School was no longer important. I quit my after school activities, even cheerleading and pep squad. My grades slipped. I began to wear clothing that covered every part of my body, even in the hot summer Texas heat. I hated myself, my mom and especially my step dad. My only joy was caring for my baby sister. Being around her and other babies helped ease my pain a little. But on that fateful afternoon when the touching became forced sexual intercourse, I couldn't take it anymore.

I ran away to my mother's friend's house and told her what happened and what had been happening. She called the police and called my mom. It seemed things would get better now. I was wrong. My mother had the charges dropped and told me I embarrassed her and I never wanted her to be married and that I was deliberately trying to sabotage her marriage. She made me feel guilty for wanting her to leave him and raise yet another child on her own. It was now clear, my father didn't want me and now my mother was choosing this man over me. She actually wanted me to help save her marriage by staying and apologizing to my step dad. I was depressed and since I was graduating at 17, I agreed to stay till my high school graduation, but she had to sign for me to join the air force. Feeling rejected and unloved, I left home in search of someone to love me. Things would go from bad to worse.

Within two years, I became pregnant. I was overjoyed and thought to myself, "finally someone will love me". My boyfriend was a police officer and he was much older than I. When I told him, he freaked and asked me to have an abortion. I didn't know at the time that it was because he was married. I was devastated. Rejected again. I raised my daughter and had a string of relationships, ending when I grew tired of them or I realized that they wouldn't commit. I didn't know how to love, being a parent was easier than being girlfriend, lover or wife. The only love I knew was a mother's love but even that was tainted. I vowed never to let anyone hurt my daughter the way I had been hurt. God watched over me, things could have been worse.

By age 22, I wanted to be married so badly that I married the first man who asked. A 47 yr old minister who'd been married 3 times before. (That should have been my first clue.) We married after 3 months of dating. I thought he loved me, but he just wanted to control me. Nothing I did was right after the ring was put on my finger, (or should I say the handcuff?) He was verbally and mentally abusive which led to physical abuse. I got pregnant on my honeymoon. The bigger I got, the more we argued. The beatings would be followed by "I'm sorry" gifts. (The beatings were never long but then, being pushed to the ground in my condition, it was easier to lie there protecting my belly till he stopped.) It was a never ending cycle. He didn't want me to work so I was home alone with two kids under the age 5. I was not allowed any friends and since he was military, we moved to different cities where I knew no one at all.

I was alone. Was I being punished? In a moment of mutual sharing early in our relationship, I told him about my step dad. Big mistake. Whenever my we visited my parents, fights about me wanting to go sleep with my step dad broke out. Didn't he understand? I didn't throw myself at my step father, he raped me! What finally made me leave my husband was when he beat my daughter and left terrible bruises. I fled the next day while he was at work, put everything I could fit into my car and drove from New Mexico to Texas, (without a map and in a used, older model car), back to, (you guessed it), my mother.

God, why? Why doesn't anyone love me? I get to my mother who lets me and my two children move in. Only there was a law in New Mexico about leaving the state with your children without the written consent of your spouse. An old law but still on the books and enforceable. Texas law thought it was a joke and I was advised by my attorney to disregard the threats of New Mexico. Before I knew it, a New Mexico judge gave my husband full custody while I was in Texas and I was arrested by the FBI for custodial interference. (Texas at that point did not consider me a threat to my son so I don't know how he got the feds involved and I don't really care.) My son was two years old and he was the only male that loved me. They picked me up on the day before Thanksgiving and the FBI agent said this was a waste of his time and the tax payers dollars, (going after a mom and her son because of some civil case.) The agent made sure I was not booked under the federal warrant but made Texas hold me in a holding cell till New Mexico could issue a proper warrant. Then I was booked in jail in Texas and within a week, extradited to New Mexico.

By the grace of God I was let go in New Mexico and was released back to Texas, but without my son. I pleaded nolo contendre, (nolo contendre is where a defendant neither admits not denies a crime but accepts punishment as though he or she were guilty.), and was given 18 months probation. I didn't have to serve in New Mexico and Texas would not accept it as a "real" probation for whatever reason, so each month I mailed a form to my probation officer to let him know I was staying out of trouble and as long as I did, after 18 months it would be removed from my record. A slap on the wrist compared to what it could have been, but I thought my life had ended. I spiraled out of control. After my divorce became final, I began drinking and partying to numb the pain. I neglected the child I still had. But God was still watching over me. He loved me. I began to see scripture on the bathroom walls in the clubs.

People would talk to me about God but I thought God couldn't possibly love me. After all, I didn't love me and my life was a living hell. When I finally turned to God, I began to change. While I was partying I met the man who would become my second husband. He drank and smoked but wanted to know God too. We decided to change our lives together. He was great and I thought I finally would have a good life. After we got married and I was four months pregnant, I found a glass pipe in our garage.

He broke down and confessed that he was a crack addict and had been for years. I had never even known what crack looked like and had never taken drugs. He'd been able to hide it but his disappearing on Friday evening and not showing up till Sunday morning should have given me a clue. I was again devastated. Why can't I get it right? God, why didn't you tell me? Even after entering a rehab clinic and a stint in jail, still his addiction held fast. I finally left while pregnant with our second child, (my fourth). The pain and pressure was too much. I had a stroke. The right side of my body no longer functioned and I was forced to use a wheel chair. I thought I would die, I prayed for death.

Ah but for my children who were now 11 and 3, I knew death was not an option. I had to keep my family together. What could I do? I went to my mother's house so she could help me. By then, the issue with my step dad had been buried but not forgotten by me. The worse thing was I had to ask his permission to come back! I was unemployed, disabled and pregnant. How much lower could I go? Still, God was watching over me. It was then that God began to work on me. I learned while in physical and occupational therapy that God truly does love me and had plans for me. I needed to love myself and forgive. I forgave my mom and step dad, I even forgave both of my husbands.

While I was recovering, my second husband died of a drug overdose. I thought we would get back together and work things out, but he was lost without me and told me that me, his mother and our girls were the only things that kept him going. When his mother died and I left, it was more than he could bare. I tried to move on with my life and raise my kids. I gave birth to another daughter, now, I had three beautiful girls. However, I still wanted someone to love me and now that my husband was gone, I didn't want to be alone. So I dated and thought I found a great guy. Divorced, single parent and fire medic. We dated for six months and things were getting serious. He spent time with me and my kids and did things for us. However, when I got pregnant, he told me to get an abortion. When I refused, he dumped me and stopped talking to me altogether.

I found out a month later that he was still married and had been lying to me the whole time. Déjà vu? Not again!! God what is going on here? Why won't anyone LOVE ME? But God loved me and each of my children were a gift from Him only I was too blind to see it. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and I decided that I was worth loving. The problem was not me, but others. I got mixed up with the wrong people. I attracted the wrong people. Like attracts like. I was broken, so were they. I turned my life over to God fully and let Him lead me. I began to recover, walking and driving again, getting stronger everyday. I wrote a children's book about my children. I became involved with my community.

I began to help others that were like me, abused women, young teenage moms. I had real friends and family who care about me. I had a new relationship with my mom. I started my life over and before you know it, I began to truly love myself and became whole. I was healed physically and emotionally. My son was returned to me after his father kept him away all these years! Eventually, I attracted the attention of a man who was also whole. He loves God and truly serves him. No addictions, no control issues and no hidden wives! I became so busy with my life and the kids and my own pain, that I almost missed him. He'd been divorced and was raising his daughter as a single father. He had been praying for and wanting a big family and God showed him me! I trusted God this time and took things slow, in the begininng, but the minute I saw him, I knew he was the one. I was finally ready to love, loving God and myself made the difference in my life. We dated for a few short months and on Christmas Eve, his gift to me was a 4.8 carat diamond engagement ring! So as I stand at this altar holding the hands of the man I love and who truly loves me, fully knowing and understanding God's love, I can proudly say, "so this is love!"


Copyright © 2008 K. R. Vance

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