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wee stories #27: In the Frame
Isabelle envied the silky-green grass blanketing the hills as the sun set in the distance. A lonesome tree protected the scene like a parent watching over her sleeping child. Isabelle sighed, wishing she could stay there forever, but she knew she must soon rejoin the world of both capitalism and consumerism. She turned, took one last look at the painting, and walked out of the museum.
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-02-27 12:22
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Hmmm - I see other comments about 'show' v 'tell', but I'm not overly concerned about it in this instance as the mc is describing a painting, rather than actual scene in which she finds herself. But that might just be me.
I enjoyed it, Chana.
Cheers
Karen |
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| If I'm not mistaken, you can hyphenate "silky-green" to make it read more connected. You've also got an extra 10 words or so to add more show in the story. Go for it. Also, you wrote: "...blanketing the hills as the sun set in the distance." You could condense this for even more words by saying, "...under the setting sun." Janet |
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Comment by: Cherley - 2008-02-25 08:01
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| Sometimes I see a scene and I think what a pleasant place to spend a bit of time. I've even painted a scene or two like that. |
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| What a clever idea for the challenge, Chana. I loved the pastoral scene in the museum. |
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Isabelle envied the silky (green grass) blanketing the hills as the sun set in the distance.
//some might say thats redundant..
ive certainly been called on it.
A lonesome tree protected the scene like a parent watching over her sleeping child.
/over written maybe.
pure telling v showing.
Isabelle sighed, wish(ing) she could stay there forever,
//wished..
but she knew (that) she must soon rejoin the world of both capitalism and consumerism.
//not needed.. read it without it.
She turned, took one last look at the painting, and left the museum.
//there might be a stronger, more visual way to say
'left the museum'.
the story is mostly tell v show.. i dont know if ppl have just given up pointing that stuff out or they dont want to upset anyone or what.. but, its fundamental, vital, key writing tek to anyone interested in being a good writer.
wonderful idea youve presented, i liked that.
( /)
( . . )
c(")(")
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