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In The Frame (Wee Challenge 27)
He was just a little boy at the time, standing at the side of the road as the vehicles zoomed on by. So excited, a chance like this came only once in a lifetime. He waved as he caught sight of the man everyone came to see. Such a rockstar reception.
That reception would not last.
If only the grassy knoll was in the frame, his picture would have closed the case for good.
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| I've read the other suggestions and agree with Tim's comment particularly. Hope you re-work it. Sounds like a great start. J |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-02-27 12:53
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Hi Ryon
Love the idea for this - great take on th etitle.
I have to agree with Niccole about losing 'that reception would not last'. If you get rid of that line, you have a few words to play with and can introduce the fact that the wee fella has a camera.
Good stuff though - thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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He was just a little boy that day, standing at the side of the road, vehicles zooming by. So excited, a chance like this came only once in a lifetime. He waved as he caught sight of the man everyone came to see.
Such a rockstar reception.--too early for this particular usage of "rockstar"
That reception would not last.--we all know this part of the story. A less obvious transition would make this story more unique.
If only the grassy knoll was in the frame, his picture would have closed the case for good.--"for good" seems out of place here, and I don't know where the picture came in. I think we need more of a indication of how this picture occured.
Overall, an interesting little story, but still a bit rough, in my opinion. |
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| I'm usually pretty descriptive, but with only 75 words to play with I had to cut down on a LOT. Plus, I wasn't there that day so I'd probably describe the scene wrong. Thanks for the comments, though. Much appreciated and I'll take advice from them. |
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hiya Ryon..
as (the) vehicles zoomed (on) by.
//not needed..
He waved as he caught sight of the man everyone came to see.
//ok.
Such a rockstar reception.
//weak..
describe the sight with verbs.
what a day that was.. what did the streets look like? sound like?
what did the sun bounce off of?
That reception would not last.
//weak..
If only the grassy knoll was in the frame, his picture would have closed the case for good.
//18 words and no verbs.. nothing is happening. no action and nothing to see.
the idea for this story though.. top notch. really really good.
thanks,
T |
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