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In the Frame
She bounced on the park bench, her beribboned pigtails flailing around her chubby face. Her hands clasped the string of a red balloon.
The blare of a radio startled her, and she released her balloon. “Oh!” she cried, distressed.
The man in the overcoat, who had been watching her, approached. “Lost your balloon, little one?”
“Uh-huh.”
He grinned, greasily. “Come with me. I’ll buy you another.”
She grinned back, the microphone scratchy under her dress.
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-02-28 07:30
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I'd definitely cut 'distressed' and the 'her' before 'beribboned' could go. Other than that, excellent and a great take on the title - well done.
Thanks for the disturbing read.
Cheers
Karen |
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She bounced on the park bench, her beribboned pigtails flailing around her chubby face. Her hands clasped the string of a red balloon.
//nice! its moving pictures! pure show. impossible to stop reading.. the sentences pull us along.
terrific.
The blare of a radio startled her, and she released her balloon.
//real good.
“Oh!” she (cried), distressed.
//i just cringe at those tags. maybe others love em.
the ! and 'cried' just seems redundant to me.
when you add distressed on top of all that........dunno. a bit much.
The man in the overcoat, who had been watching her, approached. “Lost your balloon, little one?”
“Uh-huh.”
He grinned, (greasily).
//not for me.. a cop out against describing a 'greasy' look with subjects and verbs.
“Come with me. I’ll buy you another.”
She grinned back, the microphone scratchy under her dress.
//really nice Niccole, got lost in reading it.. i could see the scene very well, good dialog. good story.
thanks so much, its definitely bunny time.
( /)
( . . )
c(")(")
T |
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Oooh, creepy. I LOVE beribbonded pigtails, but had to look it up before I knew what it meant. Great description.
I agree with Grae about 'her', found the same thing in my own after it was pointed out.
'the microphone scratchy under her dress.' Thank goodness! I guess I like that she doesn't have a name, protection of the innocent and all that.
Clever story, Niccole. |
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Comment by: jauhar - 2008-02-26 02:18
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I was thinking the same thing since yesterday but didn't make a comment.
The is something about the flow. |
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Nice set up indeed, I felt that there were a few too many 'her' moments in the first three lines, but I'm getting paranoid about repetition in my own writing, so they may be fine. Perhaps if the little girl had a name this would make it sit differently. I definitely think the first and maybe the second 'her' could be lost.
'She bounced on the park bench, beribboned pigtails flailing around her chubby face, hands clasping the string of a red balloon'
But perhaps anonymity is what is desired here. I don't know the age of the girl, but I hope that the police or whomever have thought through the effect that this may have on the young girl. How far do they let this go and are they putting her at risk. I know it's to get the paedophile entrapped, but I still think many people would be unhappy if things weren't thought through and safeguards in place.
Thanks for the read, Niccole, thought-provoking as usual
Grae:) |
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