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Wee Challenge 27: Finishing Touch
The last wood shaving flew off and a final layer of gloss was added. With a masterful touch, he set a bright emerald into her high forehead. George, his work ended, examined Her. The divot in the cleft chin, the dark, redwood fingernails, the sheen of violet eyes. With a slight flick of his fingernail, he knocked a pesky gnat off the long, Jewish nose. At long last, She was perfect.
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| Whondered why you capitalized She. Is she a godess? More information about the subject might help the reader dicipher meaning. J |
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| Lovely. Nice idea. My emerald's bigger than your emerald!! Haha. |
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-02-28 07:35
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The only think I'd change is 'George, his work ended, examined Her' - I'd switch it around to 'His work ended, George examined Her' - seems more natural to me.
'shaving' is correct - don't change it.
Hmm - lovely descriptions, but, yeah - I don't know who/what has been created, or why.
Still enjoyed the read, though.
Cheers
Karen |
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"shaving" is fine - leave it as is.
The description is good, but I wonder too at this mysterious creation. If the goal is to make readers wonder and want more, then bravo. You've done it. At this point, I assume she's a girly Pinocchio of some sort. |
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Good story but there are one or two things that could be improved.
"The last wood shaving flew off, the final layer of gloss was added."
This sentence seems to beg an and between "off" and "the".
Also consider changing the second "the" to "a". Having two the's in the same sentence can be a little distracting.
Thus-"The last wood shaving flew off and a final layer of gloss was added"
The word "minute" could be changed to "small" or even "tiny and still have the same impact. Minute seems a little over kill (just my own opinion)
"Wood shaving" and "the skin's velvety feel" don't seem to match. Wood does not feel velvety. Perhaps you could speak of it's velvet appearance or indicate that the sculpture was made of a number of different meterals.
Apart from that you did a good job craming a story into 75 words. Not an easy feat to achieve. |
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