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Wee Challenge 27: In the Frame
She squints, her pale eyelashes obscuring her iris. “What, pray tell, is that?”
I follow her Satanic nail to the object of her inquisition. “That? Why, that’s a…a…a breast, milady.”
Her squint tightens. I feel her distaste shimmer around me like waves of fire. “A breast? I would have said it was a dog’s head, but, you’re the artist, I suppose."
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um..................................damn dude.
good job.
She squints, her pale eyelashes obscuring her iris.
//terrific... really really good. nonstop pictures. this is great.. seeing past the lashes to the eye.. super super sentence. moving pictures.
I feel her distaste shimmering around me like waves of fire.
//really good..
consider 'shimmer'.
thanks
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-02-28 07:40
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I agree with Tim about losing 'can' and with Karl on the question mark.
Of your two stories, I prefer this one, Vyasar - and I love the idea of a breast that could be mistaken for a dog's head. Thanks for planting that image in my head.
Cheers
Karen |
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This was good, Vyasar. Now I'm envisioning a breast with whiskers and a wet nose.
Only one adjustment: "A breast. I would have said..." [I would put a question mark after "breast."] |
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| lol. I like this. Who is she, this devilish milady??? I never thought of evil being pale, that's interesting. Would a squint tighten? Narrow, perhaps? Anyway, entertaining. |
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Another good story Vyasar
I think the first sentence needs a bit more work
"her pale eyelashes hiding a paler evil" just doesn't really work for me.
"long demonic nail" or even Satantic nail" would have more impact than "devilish nail"
"I can feel her distaste around me, like the waves of fire"
"I feel her distaste, shimmering around me like waves of fire"
"A breast. I would have said it was a dog’s head, but, you’re the artist, I suppose…”
"A breast? I would have said it was a dog's head, but you're the artist, I suppose."
Can't think of anything else to nit pick at. |
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