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Finishing Touch
She tucks the handkerchief into her sister’s old garter.
‘That’s something borrowed. I need something blue as well.’
‘Those bruises all down your back not blue enough for you?’
She turns to the wall.
‘Bloody hen night. I’ll kill Donna when I see her.’
‘You never fell over when you was with us, Trace.’
She stiffens, studies the woodchip.
‘He’s alright, you know. He’s alright most of the time.’
A horn sounds outside.
‘Taxi’s here.’
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Hi Mrs. P. If you drop the "for you" from the line below, it will save two more words:
‘Those bruises all down your back not blue enough for you?’
Also, if you re-work this line, you could save a couple more:
‘He’s alright, you know, most of the time.’
It's a powerful story. Good luck. Janet |
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| Thanks for your comment. It was me who was being thick .. I did not even know what anthropomorphism was. Just checked. Sorry. :-( I hope to do better next time. Yeah, sempiternal is one of my favorite philosophical words, I tend to use it a lot :-). And by the way, your story is fantastic. It is the best I read till now.. Good Luck !! |
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Comment by: lancslass Online- 2008-02-28 14:36
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Wow! Very good, very well told. Great idea for the challenge.
Stick with woodchip. Still have 'hen nights' where I come from.
I see words you could lose, if you want to:
'as well' in line 2
'all' in line 3
something from line 8, but only to get closer to the ER 75.
I think this is great. Did I mention that already? |
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-02-28 07:53
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I wanted to scream, 'Don't do it'.
Love it, Ada - great take on the title and a story that will stick with me for a while.
Cheers
Karen |
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I swear, this was 75 words exactly in Word. XX
//yup.. ER is reading those 12 quotes as 6 words.
loved the story.
‘Bloody hen night.
is that something these ppl would say today? or is it antiquated? i dont know, im asking. it just throws me a little.
She stiffens, studies the wood chip.
//the wood chip is the blue item right? haha.. just want to be sure.
i have wood chip as two words.
i liked your finishing touch, its an unbroken picture dream.
( /)
( . . )
c(")(")
T |
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