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Children of Atlas
More than an odd job man,
A strong coffee two sugars
'Liver and bacon' eating man
He snags workmanship
Sees spaces, inched out
Circumferenced and square-metered
Knows when to give a few mils
Take the odd 16th
What part sand to cement
The fluid ounces for
two coat coverage
A silent man, who rolls his own
In hands with the P.S.I of Brick
For my occular leak he said
‘Here’s my shoulders’
Butting their span up to mine
Making sense in my kitchen
Doubling the surface area
Like a table leaf
The weight of the world
Lighter for Children of Atlas
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I love this, keep re-reading it and seeing more, (which is how it ought to be). Great imagery, great language.
Just a thought. It's essentially punctuation free, apart from quote marks, so do you need those three commas. I'm not sure they are essential.
Thanks |
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Hi, Lorna, sorry for delay in getting back to your works. Hope you are well and better days are here.
I'll just run through a few things that I thought may need a tweak.
'liver and bacon' could be in inverted commas as they are part of a quoted phrase, I'd also put a comma after 'two sugars to separate them.
'See's spaces' should be 'Sees spaces'
I don't think you need an apostrophe after 'mils'.
and possibly upper case 'children' and 'atlas'
Apart from those suggestions a fine write. I felt that you hit the nail on the head (technical term) with his knowledge of imperial and metric sizing and the impression I got was that he was a profficient tradesman that knew the job inside out.
The language suits the MC and works well with the easy flow.
Overall, I'd estimate I could have this critique done by next Thursday, but it'll cost extra to have it gloss-finished and level-headed.
Put the kettle on, will ya, love?
Take care, Lorna
Grae:) |
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| Yes! I'm an engineer (graduated from Brighton University, then Polytechnic!) and I find it difficult to write poems drawing from my work. You've done well, using the language of his industry. I smile each time I read it. |
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| I didn't feel two halves, you just brought it home from the project to the kitchen, from the workplace to the relationship. I find a very nice integrity in this piece. |
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Hey Lorna! First draft? I don't know, I think you may have nailed it right from the get-go.
There's a lot going on here. Intentional or not, you have quite a nice touch of assonance and alliteration that comes through rather naturally, not forced. I like it the way it is but as is always the case with writing, the proof is in the revisions. |
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