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the nakedness of us
is this love or just another addiction
is this real or a nightmare waiting to unfold
wicked games, supressed emotions, bullshit ideas
holding on to something, cause we have nothing ...
are you just hiding behind me
hiding from the truth ... from yourself
the ugliness that sturs in your soul
the pain you'll never let go ...
is this love really a bullshit idea
only to save our souls
or maybe just to avoid the hate inside
i hate you ... i love you
am i just neglecting my pain
... by seeing yours
i see myself in you
do you see yourself in me
is that why you love me
do i make you feel safe
do i cradle your emotions
you see ugliness in me
it helps you
you enjoy seeing my demons
so you don't have to face your own
point your finger at me
tear me down
fuck me blindly
so you don't fuck yourself
i see you
that pathetic little boy inside
he's so neglected, so hurt, so shamed
having nothing to live for
he knows it
but i ... keep him alive
he sees me & he feels okay
he makes me feel as he does
i pity you as i pity myself
that's why i stay
i feel myself in you
it's pathetic ... these things i do
we share the love inside the pain
is this what you do?
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Comment by: - 2006-02-23 23:25
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| I think this is a good poem and doesn't need re-writing, it is obviously written as an outpouring of feelings and in my view editing it would diminish it's meaning and your original intent. |
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| I agree rewrite it and omit the useless lines and words that degrade it and mean nothing |
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| Sounds like a lot of anger and angst in the poem. this is a nice piece. True, you're not going to write everything that everyone'll like. For some it's a release. Writing in the height of an emotions is great, but in a control manner can be brilliant. That's my two cent comment. ;o) |
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Comment by: Valerie - 2006-02-23 20:02
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What is poetry? It is the handling of words as a potter handles clay. Words to the poet are like pigment to the painter, and it is a blending of original ideas into a flow of images and metaphors.
It would be good to rewrite this poem, because it is worth saving for the feelings that you have expressed. Use some
concrete words to make good images. Use poetic devices that
excite the senses, e.g., similes, metaphors, alliteration,
assonance,etc.
You may have more readers if you omit certain words. |
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Great poem here, Allissa - following in my asperations.
Lotsa Love,
Dad |
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"Life"
A collection of lyrics that work for country, opera, R&B, rock&roll, jazz, gospel, hip hop set to poetry.
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