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Why Am I Here?
As in my quiet house I sit,
My life vanishing, minute by minute
I wonder, why am I here?
When I could be in a forest, with nature so near.
When I could be looking out at a field of grass from the top of a tree,
Rather than a window of glass.
When I could be looking at the sky so bright
From the top of a hill, instead of a skylight.
When I could be looking out at the sea
From a warm sandy beach, instead of a balcony.
As in my quiet house I sit,
My life vanishing, minute by minute.
I wonder, why am I here?
When I could be looking at my reflection in the sea,
Instead of a mirror.
Why am I here?
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If Robert Frost had a daughter, this poem would certainly appeal to that fact. You can tell a female wrote it, the carress of the vocabulary, simple, but effective, and the graining of rhyme scheme was very voluntary, unforced. I enjoyed that part particuarly.
Also. If I may add a subject of schemeing.
"When I could be looking out at a field of grass from the top of a tree,
Rather than a window of glass."
Perhaps this would make it fit into place.
"When I could be looking out at a field of grass from the top of a tree,
Rather than a window of glass; behind the breeze."
Well done. Hope to read more with the same deliquient expertise. |
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Comment by: Anya - 2008-03-01 13:30
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Thank you for the critiques people.
I think they'll be a big help on my next ones! |
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| I'm not a big fan of poetry, but I like this one. It's easy enough to understand yet makes you think after you've finished reading it. Good job! |
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Let me start off by saying that the idea of this poem, and the imagery used work together to build on a question that many people do ask themselves. Wouldn't it be so great to slow down and enjoy the world? That being said, there are a few areas that could be tweaked to make this better....
I wonder, why am I here?"
When I could be in a forest, with nature so near."
The end rhyme here sounds a little forced. The second line is a bit on the wordy side. I usually go through a poem after I've finished and cut out around 10-20 percent of the words in it. The really unnecessary word here is "so". It is a filler word, and only retells the reader what the poem's repeated question tells the reader...that the speaker is longing.
There are a few other places I would suggest eliminating the smaller words, including the "as" in "as in my house I sit". The rhymes in poetry have to come across natural, and flow with with the rhythm of the poem. You do this very well in your opening couplet, and again with the closing quatrain (here, mirror, here).
It is a good write overall, it asks a good question, and the wistfulness of the speaker shines through in the words. |
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| Anya, I too agree that your choice of imagery is excellent. It really adds depth to the theme of introspection. Well done. --Robert |
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