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Heart of Mine
This heart
Of mine
Does not want
To belong to me
Anymore
It wants to part
Leave me
Standing here
Alone
Just like
You did before
Suddenly ripped
Torn
From my life
A piece missing
From this neverending
Puzzle
That builds up
Nothing
But strife
It won't go away
This image
Just won't
Leave my head
I can only remember
More
And
More
Of those
Shattering
Words
You said
Misery
And Loneliness
Are at an all time high
But i guess that's
Just a price
You've gotta pay
If you wanna get out of here
Alive
The intricate threads
Pieced together
By the things you said
Are now slowly
Pulling apart
But only in my head
For you see
The mind easily forgets things
But for the heart
Forgetting doesn't come
So easily
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A thing I have trouble with in poetry these days are the laws are all gone. Hell, prose to me, modern prose and the unwritten laws, have completely destroyed the use of wordage and the classification of poetry - and I am guessing this is poetry.
First, there is a reason to stanza and or line breaks in writing poetry, this one seemed to have no reasoning. It was also a ramble. Rambles are good - throw it into prose though. Hell - I think there're pieces that are prose that are developed and made for heart-on writing.
Needs alot of work? Of course, what doesn't. But it needs a considerable subject of work. Notice, I say subject, not amount. You either need to decide what this depiction of art is and what it should really stand for, because otherwise, it's a child throwing magnet words on a chalk board.
Keep up the good work - it will get better, if it isn't already. |
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| Written in five minutes you say? I liked it! I cannot wait to read it again when you rework it and revise it further for some improvement. I believe it just really needs some order is all, but that may just be me. |
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another one written in 5 minutes
again, i know, needs lots and lots of improvement
lemme know what you think
thanks :]
~Amber~ |
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