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FATE
happiness
only lasts
as long as somewhere
there's a fire burning
someone's suffering
somebody's dying
praying that the pain
will stop
but of course
someone's got to pay
for this joy
if you don't want the level
of happiness
to drop
but this fake happiness
that won't leave me
lasts much longer than you'd think
there's not only happiness
in this package marked "FAKE"
it's whatever you want it to be
some people choose it
for others, the chooser
is fate
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I cannot repeat this enough, structure, structure, structure. I know you are throwing your rough drafts out there, because if you really revised this - you would have a beautiful poem.
The effect of this type of poetry, the 'prose' that is built with-in it's free scheme is so important to involve the aesthetics. As a 'whore' of architecture with puncuation I really think you are not hitting the skeletal neccesity that is in poems, especially this breed.
If you want to talk privately on the structure of how these poems, in my opinion, should be written message me on here, or for a quick response, email me. [MSG me for my email].
Again, what I see so much on Editred with young poets is the potential, but either the lack of desire to be great or the lack of historical education on what is great.
I hope to provide both.
As always, I will be reading and have the edits on the ready for you Miss Amber.
Much luck. ['As I am sure' you will not need it]. |
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Comment by: Anya - 2008-02-28 20:03
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Wow, really nice poem.
And very true... |
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| I would like to see this poem with specifics. Someone and somebody are vague. I would find it easier to connect with a single person's suffering than somebody's suffering. |
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well, i personally think this is my worst
but that's my point of view
i think most of my writing sucks
but you guys seem to have a different point of view
so maybe to someone out there this one will make sense
because to me i'm clueless as to where this came from
why i wrote it
what it's about
but just lemme know what you think
thanks :]
~Amber~ |
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