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Damaged Goods
Present
for my lover:
chosen with precision,
dropped on reading this, her missive -
"Dear John,..."
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Comment by: Mick - 2008-06-17 02:43
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| Yeah I think this is great Eric. The image of dropping the present on reading a ‘Dear John’... Good stuff. :) |
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| The concept is strong and as usual your sardonic delivery is perfect. I think it's almost there. Agree that dear and precious are redundant. Something isn't quite right in the delivery, but I can't put my finger on it. I get the feeling that substituting a word or two might bring it together. Hmm. Not sure if I'm being very helpful. If you could get a more directly temporal word in there to enforce the idea that the present is dropped WHILE reading the mail, that might do it? |
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| Dear John letters are only good for the one writing them, eh? I got it. So, what is the other called? ...a dear Jane letter? |
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Comment by: alien Online- 2008-02-29 07:01
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I agree with Cherl. I got mixed messages, too.
On second reading, it's as though 'John' is no longer the 'lover' mentioned in line 2 and the break-up is for the benefit of the new lover, rather than 'John'
Oh dear, it's rather confusing.
As Boon said, some wasted syllables in there.
A little more work could tighten this up. |
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Comment by: Cherley - 2008-02-29 05:02
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| They weren'e that precious or dear. I think I'm getting mixed messages from this. Maybe a nessage for my lover. |
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