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In the Frame
Caleb was cleaning brushes as I studied his most recent painting: bodies braided in orgiastic debauchery. Caleb painted from photographs.
“That’s just what’s in the frame,” he said, grinning.
Caleb spun as I picked up the photo. At the edge of the picture a naked Adonis was bending Sarah over a sofa.
“Were you going to tell me?” I asked.
Caleb pulled another brush from the jar of turpentine, milking it under the faucet.
“Why? You won’t do anything.”
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Wow. I'm new to this type of writing but I really enjoyed reading this. Sometimes it's the simple phrases that capture us the most.
“That’s just what’s in the frame,” he said, grinning.
Is spot on to me. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-03-01 13:15
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Dylan - I know you're too late for the challenge, but I just wanted to say I thought this was excellent. Looking forward to reading more of your stories.
Cheers
Karen |
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i clicked on this story by complete accident this time.. i was looking for something eles..
but holy smokes.. what an amazing difference man.
Caleb pulled another brush from the jar of turpentine, milking it under the faucet.
from a throwaway, utterly forgettable sentence to freakin it doesnt get any better.
that sentence is now killer.
solid, entertaining, vivid work.
bravo.
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| Thanks, these are great comments, I will definitely use them in a rewrite. |
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hi Dylan..
this is a good story.. and nicely crafted.
Caleb was cleaning brushes as I studied his most recent painting: bodies braided (together) in orgiastic debauchery.
//i think its redundant after braided..
or
bodies braided in....
good word, braid.
“That’s just what’s in the frame,” he said, grinning.
//natural sounding dialog..
rings true..
Caleb swung around as I picked up the photo.
//i prefer
caleb spun as i...
At the edge of the picture (some)
/'a'
“Were you going to tell me?” I asked.
Caleb returned to washing brushes.
//missed opportunity here for color, stream of water, stiff bristles.
the sentence is all tell..
“Why? You won’t do anything.”
//really good dialog man.. my nits are tiny..
good work.
( /)
( . . )
c(")(")
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